{image via apartment therapy}

This time last year I shared my 2011 goals/dreams on The Creative Mama. Their website is currently being updated so I’m unable to link to my article, but I was able to find the list still living on my computer. I’ll admit, I revisited the list practically never after February, but surprisingly I kept to about 80% of it (highlighted in blue):

House stuff:

• Get new carpet.
• Turn the basement into a family room where we can all hang out, play and rest together.Turn the dressing table into a desk for Charley.
• Move the TV (somewhere, anywhere!) from the main level – create a space where family time does not have any electronic interruptions (minus music).
• Continue to create a space that is free of clutter and full of an invitation to live simply.
• Find and buy large galvanized buckets. Grow a garden. (Our spring got so busy so fast we decided to skip growing a garden this year.)
• Build drawers on casters to hold magazines, books and toys under our bed. (HGTV took care of this for us.)
• Refinish and paint the stairs. (I’ve been working on these super slowly all year, but I’m 90% of the way done. All that is left is to paint 1-2 more coats of white paint on the risers.)
• Create a unique way to display photos leading upstairs to our bedroom.

Work stuff:

• Turn my 7-10 year old photography workshop into a book that families can do together during the summer months. (In the works!)
• Brainstorm the possibility of hosting a workshop live so that I can meet some of the 300+ students I’ve had. (I definitely brainstormed, but with many things with 503 I had to scale back more than I had planned this past year.)
• Formulate a marketing plan to book more senior photo shoots.

Personal:

• Collect more recipes and be better at planning a week’s worth of dinners so that we’re not always trying to think of something last minute (I definitely took steps in the right direction, but this is something I need to continue to work on).
• Create a photo book of black and white headshots of every single person that plays a significant role in my life. (Woh. This is a HUGE one and honestly one that might not happen – or take years to do. But, it’s something I’ve dreamed of doing for so long and I’ve decided to just add it to the list.)
• Get family photos taken of us and create a 2010 book of memories.
• Return to the city where Charley was born and take pictures documenting the weekend during her birth, adoption and coming home.
• Care more for others – make unhurried visits, mail gifts, write cards, drop off food, etc, etc. (I will always be a work in progress on this.)
• Spend more intentional, unhurried time with God. (I will always be a work in progress on this as well.)

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2011 was a HUGE and, for the most part, really good year for us. We had so many milestones it seemed (with house updates, finalizing Charley’s adoption, HGTV, Charley turning one, Taking better care of my body by eating better and working out, saying goodbye to Chili, Corey finishing residency and starting his fellowship, Charley turning into a toddler, tons of traveling, deciding to adopt again, and so much more.

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As 2012 approaches I am feeling so excited and optimistic about life. I will never hesitate to exclaim when life feels this way because I surely have never hesitated to exclaim when life hasn’t felt this way. It’s just nice to feel like I am in a place in life where I really feel like I’m thriving; as a child of God, a wife, a mother and an entrepreneur. I am seeing more so now than ever before the Lord’s kindness and grace. I am a hot mess, people! So it’s freeing for me to feel confident with the strengths God has given me and humble in my weaknesses (which feel like they outweigh my strengths most days). I don’t have quite as long of a list for 2012, but I definitely have some high hopes and goals for myself and my family.

House stuff:

• Finish stairs (just do it already!)
• Paint and re-install railing
• Paint chest of drawers in babe #2′s room

Work stuff:

• Learn InDesign
• Design kid’s book
• Research finding office space outside of home
• Build and launch —— (it’s a secret ; )
• Connect in-person with more photographers (starting in just a few weeks now that I’ve talked my web-only-for-now-friend, Gail, in to coming to hang out in Cinci for the weekend! ; )

Personal:

• Organize our lives so that less “multi-tasking” takes place*
• Take an adventurous trip!
• Become a family of 4 (eeeek! sigh … hooray!)
• Remind myself more often that I am nothing without God and that I make really terrible decisions when I don’t consult Him first. These two things always fuels my fire to spend more time with Him.

*I’ve realized just recently that our daily schedules aren’t really working out for us right now. This past year from about January to September being a work-at-home mom was incredibly difficult. Now, it’s completely impossible. I can sort of make it work when Corey gets home at a decent hour (i.e. 6′ish). That way we can enjoy dinner together and spend a moment together after she goes down and then I can work until midnight or so without feeling guilty. But, these past few months – with his fellowship in full force – he hasn’t been getting home until 7:30-9:00 (9:00 for two weeks straight!) and I’m feeling more pulled and stretched then ever. So, I’ve been spending some intentional time thinking and processing and praying on how I can make some changes in our life to make life work a bit better. I don’t have it all worked out, but I’m on the road. This, right now, is my first priority for the New Year: figuring out how to do less “multi-tasking.” I loathe spending time with Charley and hopping on and off the computer. I want to work well and efficiently and then I want to mother well. Doing the two simultaneously is kind of ridiculous to even attempt.

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I started this post nearly a week ago now. Such is life in this season I’m in. I sort of snickered when I read over the part where I wrote about how excited and optimistic I am about life right now. It’s true that I am. But, still I had a quick flash to last night when I had to call our friend (who is a pediatrician, Corey was of course working) nearly in tears to come help me because Charley had a 104.2 temperature and the Tylenol wasn’t working. She came armed with Ibuprofen and reassurance that she was going to be okay.

Then, I asked Corey, as we were brushing our teeth, when this rather dreadful month (and schedule) would be over. He said – quite casually – “well, there will be a bit of repreive at the end of the month and then February is gonna suck and then March is gonna be pretty awful with two weeks of night call.” I finished getting ready for bed, walked out of the bathroom and into our bedroom, took one look at him (who was already in bed, on my side to warm it up) and burst into tears.

Sometimes life just sucks and it feels silly to feel that way because we have a roof and food and the sun shines and everyone is healthy (healthy meaning no one is terminally ill) and we have each other. But, then sometimes I dip down into my bucket and I realize it’s only got a few drops of water left and then I realize that even if nothing tragic is occurring things can still be tough. And, that’s okay. We’ll of course make it through (we’re in our 9th year of this for crying out loud!) and we will be stronger. In the meantime I’m reminded that I’m not as strong as I think I am most days. Luckily I have a God who is happy to step in and fill my bucket overflowing. I need it more than ever these days.

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This morning I read the excerpt below from here and I sighed in relief …

The funny thing about New Year’s resolutions is how they can overinflate our self-image, making us think it’s up to us to make it a better year. Maybe we pledge to lose weight, quit drinking or volunteer more. And while none of these are bad, they’re typically rooted in the false assumption that we’re strong enough to do it on our own. We figure if we can just do a little more, be a little better, than we’ll earn ourselves a happier year. Exhausting.

But there’s an alternative. We can drop the whole resolution bit and step into the flood of God’s grace. We can say that today, January 2nd, we’ll rely on God’s power, not our own brute strength or good effort. We’ll believe in His love for us and quit trying to earn merit badges. We’ll be calm and open-handed, knowing we can trust Him to work through and around us. Then, instead of egos and exhaustion, we will find his freedom.

Happy January 2nd.

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Perfectly said. Happy January 2nd, dearies,

jc

Christmas this year was extra special because the entire Cudzilo family got to be together. When you have 5 boys, 3 wives, 3 different cities, babies, jobs and more it’s incredibly difficult to all be together. This is especially true when one of the brothers (the one I’m married to) works most holidays. But, not this year! He was not only able to get the weekend off, but Friday and Monday, too. It was such a treat! Last Christmas was also special since it was our first Christmas as a family of three, but we didn’t see him on Christmas until almost 5 o’clock. This Christmas I loved being woken up by a kiss and a “Merry Christmas, Babe.”

The chaos was in full-force and, although all of us experienced some level of over-stimulation at some point, in the end it was a perfect way to wrap up a very busy and beautiful year (more on that later).

One of my father-in-law’s greatest loves is to document our lives with his cameras. Most of all of our lives in his presence is documented either in pictures or video. As you can imagine this role that he plays in our lives is one we all are so incredibly grateful for. There’s nothing as special as revisiting dear moments from your past by looking through pictures and watching videos. Truly, you cannot even begin to imagine the amount of time he spends preserving our pasts in the most beautiful of ways. And, because of this I take my role as our immediate family’s photographer much more serious. I want my own children (their future spouses and children, too!) to be able to be as blessed by old pictures and videos as we have been by my father-in-law’s diligence in freezing moments in time.

Typically, when I know my father-in-law is going to be the same place I am I leave my camera at home. This time I brought it along and took a few random snapshots. I’ve become sort of obsessed lately with not killing the clutter. You know how when you learn basic principles of composing a picture one of the things you learn is “killing the clutter?” Meaning, move in close, eliminate all that distracts, strive for simplicity in your photo, etc. I definitely think there’s beauty in those types of photos, but recently I’ve become more focused on capturing rooms as a whole. Even if this includes the laundry basket in the corner or the toys on the floor. Even if this means taking a picture of the stockings hung with a diaper bag on the floor and a bunch of computer wires. Yes, even if this means the dog’s head who walked right in front of your camera as the shutter snapped. I’m just wanting to – more than ever before – capture moments without manipulating them. Whatever happens happens and is captured as is. Mess, clutter, chaos, poor lighting and all. It may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but for now it’s totally mine.

xo,

jc

(How’s that for a title? Ha! ; )

I still receive comments from the teaching series I did for MCP last summer (6 steps to go from a hobbyist to a professional photographer (which can be read here, if you’d like)). Just this morning I received another comment and I clicked over and read the very first post I wrote for the series. I hadn’t read it since it was published last summer so it felt new. Reading the post was so very timely.

I have ideas and dreams for myself, my family and the industry I’m so blessed to be a part of. And, I find it’s so easy with a little bit of stress and a little bit of tiredness to start second guessing myself. I did it just this morning. I have a list of things I have written out to accomplish by the end of January and today I woke up feeling a bit tired (even though I got good sleep). I laid in bed, listening to Charley roll around, and wondered if I should shelf some ideas. But, immediately a part of me aches thinking about it. And, the ache is enough to let me know that anyone with ideas that are lofty and risky is going to second guess themselves at times. It’s only natural. So, reading the words I wrote to and posted for MCP last summer just an hour or so later was – like I said – so very timely.

Dear Jessica,

It’s understandable that you’re terrified, doubtful and insecure about where you are. You desire something you think you want so much, but what if … what if it doesn’t work? You’ll look like a fool, you know? So, your only other option is to play it safe. Don’t pursue the dream that’s keeping you up at night. Get a job you’ll love almost as much and tell yourself that things are better that way. Save yourself the money, the late nights, the risk. Dreams come and go. This one will die, too.

Or will it? What if it doesn’t? And, you cage it? All because you feared taking a risk and failing! Do you really want to get to your 50’s and realize you wasted the best years of your life because you were scared of failing? By then it will be too late to do all that is swirling around in your head right now.

You have to do it. At least try. Otherwise, you’ll only be left with the “what ifs.”

Mark Twain said it best … “Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

Now go. You will never regret it. Yes, even if it fails.

So, I’m reminded this morning that it’s not about doing it without any sense of fear or hesitation, it’s not about doing it all in one day and it’s definitely not about doing it without mistakes. It’s simply about doing it. One grace-filled and intentional day at a time.

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How about you? What is that one thing you can’t stop thinking about?

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I found this on Pinterest a few weeks ago and I tagged it with the line “just do it or let it go.” There are things I need to let go. Dwelling on them only wastes mental energy. Then there are other things that I need to start doing something with.

And, of course the words so many of us have read from Steve Jobs:

“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone elses life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

So, this week I plan on revisiting this post on a daily basis and reminding myself that …

1. Even if it fails at least I know I tried.

2. I’m going to put some of my thoughts to rest and others into action.

3. My intuition exists for a reason.

Would love to know your thoughts on all of this, sweet readers …

jc

I’m not sure whose idea it was, but near the beginning of our freshmen year at the University of Tennessee a bunch of us decided to start volunteering during our free weekends at one of our favorite camps. It was a Young Life camp called Windy Gap, tucked just perfectly in the Blue Ridge Mountains in North Carolina. We’d all exchange emails and instant chat messages toward the end of the week and find out when and where we all would meet. We’d meet outside of the dorms, at the Young Life house on campus or at a fast food joint on the Strip. Then we’d all pile in, usually five to six of us to a car, and head to the mountains.

On Saturdays we spent the entire day with high schoolers from around the region working at one of three places: the ropes course, climbing wall or with the horses. I spent most of my time on the ropes course and always loved watching them finish and seeing the relief and smile spread across their face.

But Friday nights, driving to and being at camp, are the times I remember best. The closer we got to camp the spottier our cell phone service got. Eventually no ones worked, but we never minded. Back then cell phones weren’t nearly as savvy and text messages and emails on your phone didn’t even exist. All we noticed was the cleaner and crisper air and the vibrant stars.

When you grow up in the city you don’t realize how beautiful a starry sky is on a clear night. We’d get in, usually have a short check-in type meeting and then we’d head out to explore nothing and anything. Sometimes there were five of us, other times there were a dozen. Sometimes we’d all know each other well and other times there would be a few students who had driven in from Appalachian State also to volunteer. Almost always we’d walk and talk and laugh really loud.

The camp has a go kart track and in the middle is a tower in order for the track to be monitored when in use. I remember we would climb up and hang out on the tower. We’d bring our pillows and the blankets from our bunks and we’d lay out and look at the stars. It sounds so cliche, but it happened and it etched a memory in my brain that I will never forget.

I think back to that place and I remember what it feels like to have butterflies from having a crush on someone, pains in my cheeks from laughing so hard, warming my nose and ears with my hands and appreciating the stars just like I did when they captivated me in Colorado (more on that later).

I remember feeling overweight and insecure. I remember trying to figure out if the guy I thought was cute thought I was cute, too, and being exhausted by trying to read the cues. I remember worrying about what I should major in. I remember feeling anxiety about money, my overbooked schedule and the test I had on Monday morning.

I remember feeling really optimistic about life. I remember feeling grateful that I had friends that I could talk to about God. I remember feeling genuinely loved and accepted. I remember realizing that the world was bigger than I thought and feeling a rush of adventure in that.

I love the benefits of the city life too much to ever move to the middle of nowhere. Yet, because of Windy Gap I always daydream of living just far enough outside of the city that the street lights and others’ house lights don’t interfere with the beauty of the stars.

xo,

jc

p.s. Dixie Chicks’ CD, Fly, came out that year so their song Cowboy Take Me Away always takes me back to Windy Gap in my mind in an instant!

I’ve been thinking recently about the chapters in my life that have really shaped me into the person I am today. All of the chapters of my life have shaped me into the person I am today, I suppose, but there are quite a few that really impacted me and those are the ones I’ve been thinking about. Specific people, trips, random events (some lasting months, others lasting only a few hours) .. the ones that have left a tattoo on my brain. As someone who walked a rocky road before finding Jesus I find that I am even more introspective on the ways the Lord saved me.

I went to Colorado summer of 1998 and packed a carton of cigarettes for the trip. And, under those same skies is where I surrendered my life to the Lord.

Since my brother passed away when I was five and my sister is eight-years older than I am I grew up without siblings in the home from the age of ten on. Eight years left me hungering for friends so much I was willing to be a chameleon in order to fit in with any and everyone. Some of this is due to to my personality, other bits are due to my past. After several years of self-destructive behavior I eventually made the incredibly hard decision to no longer give my energy toward people who negatively influenced me. My weekends in high school were always spent at school games, staying up way too late talking on the phone and ultimately crashing in a bed at a friend’s house. I’ll never forget the first Friday night I sat at home by myself. I ate dinner with my parents and asked God if it really was all worth it. I promise I won’t fold to peer pressure so easily. Can I please just call and see what they’re doing? Less than an hour later I got a phone call I will never forget.

Due to rezoning I was forced to go to a high school where I knew only a handful of people. The first day of Freshmen year I walked into Home Economics to find a room filled with a bunch of girls and two guys. A chubby sweet-faced kid, named Sean, and a skinny straight-haired kid, named Corey. We made boxers that year. Who would have known that the kid who chose fabric with ping pong balls and paddles on it would one day become my husband?

It was Freshmen year of college that I learned that meaningful friendships, time away from what is comfortable and freedom from technology is what feeds the soul. There was one place we would all sneak away to probably a dozen times that year that left us all changed for the better forever.

When Corey and I first got married and moved to Memphis for him to start school I found a job in the newspaper as a nanny. I’ve never been treated so poorly by someone in all my life (lets just say Nanny Diaries hits a little too close to home). After my husband showed up and quit for me I learned that it’s okay to stick up for yourself. I also learned that you can raise a son in such a way that even when they’re married and living in a new city as a 22-year old they can be well-grounded, strong and independent if their parents raise them to be just that from the beginning.

I sat on a train once in Eastern Europe, looked out at miles of field and realized that the world is so much bigger and smaller than I ever realized.

I once met a man who told me over a turkey sandwich that I was scared. I of course asked him what I was scared of and he replied with words that changed my life forever (this is not an exaggeration).

I did not want to move to Cincinnati. I knew Corey loved it when he came to work here and I knew he wanted to be at a prestigious program, but I had zero desire to move above the Mason-Dixon. And, I hated it, too, even after we moved. Some of my darkest days have been spent in this city. Yet things have happened here that have now left me saying just last week, “I think this is the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.”

These are the stories and moments I think about often because these are the moments and stories that define me. I’ve decided I want to to write about them in greater detail in the weeks to follow. I hope you enjoy reading and as always I enjoy hearing from you. If you don’t want to read my sometimes too-wordy posts I will not be the least bit offended. This online journal ultimately exists for me and my family. If any of you benefit from it then it’s simply icing on the cake.

xo,

jc