After preparing to head off to bed at 10 last night I looked up to see the clock say 1. Oops. That’s what happens when you decide to take a sneak peek at what all your workshop students are up to (on the online forum). 3 hours later I had to force myself to shut my laptop. {But, seeing them learn and desiring to answer their every question is just so darn fulfilling to me!}
Somewhere in the midst of putting the house to sleep, brushing my teeth and crawling into bed next to my sweet, warm hubby I had a thought. A thought I was a bit ashamed to just be realizing. You see, I complain. And, gripe. And, moan. Any of you who read this blog I’m sure have taken notice. I don’t regret it in the least because it’s me and it’s what I’m feeling in that moment and this time of my life is just difficult in ways and I’ve learned that when I talk about it and cry about it and even blog about it I feel more free from the “label” that comes with {in}fertility.
But, last night it occurred to me that I also talk quite openly with God and my friends and family and to my husband and my journal and myself about how {in}fertility has also been a blessing. Yes. A blessing. Yet I’m not so sure I’ve ever quite articulated that to my much loved blogosphere.
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This weekend I was in the biggest funk. I have no idea why, but I was up to my eyeballs in the presence of thick, dark Depression. I honestly wondered if it was something I had eaten (not kidding). Thursday night I asked my husband to pray for the demons to leave. He thought I was kidding, but I was dead serious. I felt like I was drowning. Then later I looked at him and considered hitting him. Just because he was sitting next to me. (poor guy) Friday day was long and dark. I was having the world’s giantest pity party. Friday night we went out with friends and I forgot about it. We had a blast and laughed the night through and even had a slumber party, but Saturday I woke up to it next to me. I had a photo shoot and it came along. Saturday night we had friends over for dinner and although it was fun and always so easy to hang out with them, I felt like I was having to pour bucket-loads of energy into my smile that I didn’t really have (you know that feeling?). When they left my smile faded into a frown faster than I could say, “Goodnight!”. Sunday, there it was. Corey had to work that day so he had been long gone for hours by the time I awoke. I knew I should go to church, but my depression left me angry at God. Mad that he has so abandoned me. Yet what was so strange through it all was that I have come to this resolute place of peace in all of this. Why was I so angry with him now? Seriously, what am I eating/doing that is causing this? I reluctantly drove to church and sang the words on the screen like I was supposed to. Our pastor, Jonathan, came up and said that he wanted to talk about a subject that is not often talked about in churches. Disappointment: when God fails us.
Hmmmm. Maybe I’m glad I came. (although nothing you say will make me feel better …)
He taught and read Psalm 77 and Asaph’s cries to God. His pleas for mercy. His desperate cries for help.
“Will the Lord reject forever?
Will he never show his favor again?
Has his unfailing love vanished forever?
Has his promise failed for all time?
Has God forgotten to be merciful?
Has he in anger withheld his compassion?”
With the continuation of his story of family friends who had been to hell and back … serving in ministry, yet losing their son who was tragically hit by a car while riding his bike, Jonathan did not attempt to offer up any answers to why this happens. He only continued on with Psalm 77. Asaph decides that although he cannot seem to find God in his present situation he knows of all of God’s goodness in years past… even when then it didn’t always make sense at the time. God has always proved to come through for his own.
I will remember the deeds of the LORD;
yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago.
I will meditate on all your works
and consider all your mighty deeds.
Your ways, O God, are holy.
What god is so great as our God?
You are the God who performs miracles;
you display your power among the peoples.
I’ll be honest. I didn’t leave church feeling any different. No Depression took a front seat right in my Pathfinder. When I got home though I decided to do what Asaph had done and instead of writing out all the reasons why I was angry, sad and depressed I would write out all the reasons why I have reason to celebrate. It became a prayer and praise, a time of genuine thanksgiving to my God. At first it was hard to see the good through the ugly, but with time it flowed easily. So much to the point where I had to stop because my hand was cramping up. I wrote and wrote and wrote and then felt the slightest new bounce in my step as I left to run errands. By that evening I suddenly realized that Depression had left. Poof! Like magic. He was no longer there. At all. It was refreshing. And, I realized then and there that although this place in my life is difficult and such a time of refining I have much to celebrate. And, for that I never want to forget.
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So, last night considering what had happened this weekend I thought of all the reasons why I have to celebrate my time of {in}fertility. I am not sterile. We have never been able to find anything wrong with me (minus the fact that my ovulations seem a bit off at times). So, it’s obvious that this time is intentional. And, for that I want to take note of why and celebrate it.
I am being molded into a better person. I’d like to hope that my ugliness is being chipped away with each passing day. Looking back on these past 2 1/2 years I see time of immense growth. I’m more patient. And, kind. I’m more compassionate. And, genuine. I’m okay now being honest with the fact that I’m actually pretty introverted and shy. Not once I get to know you, but at first absolutely. I no longer fight that. I’m more honest. And, okay with being vulnerable. I’m okay not having it “all together” (who does?!). When I hear of someone in pain I empathize on a level that I would never have been able to had I not been through what I’ve been through. I let more go and hang on to stuff that doesn’t need to be let go. I hold more value for the people in my life that truly love me. It’s not about knowing and being known by everyone anymore. It’s knowing and loving the people that mean the most to me. Oh, and somewhere along the way of having unneccesary layers chipped away I discovered that I’m a bit of an artist. And, a writer. A lover and a sprinkler of fairy dust. 
{in}Fertility has also turned this mac&cheese, white bread, pb&j, sugar, sugar & more sugar, diet-coke drinking girl into one that now tastes the beauty in fresh fruit and organic milk, fresh eggs and grain fed cows. Homegrown veggies (photo above), flaxseed and fresh water. And, because of it my body is much kinder to me. If it weren’t for this stage of my life I would have always smothered my body with valueless foods. Now, I am evolving into a beauty-body-full of healthy organs that are functioning just as they were made to.
And, last but most definitely not least I have time for myself and with just my husband that I would have never had with a child around already. The time I’ve had to grow as an individual and the time we’ve had to build in to us is indescribable.
And, these are just the ways that I can verbalize. There is so so so so so much more …
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So, I say to you {in}fertility that you’re not so bad. You cause me to cry tears, but are tears so bad? You’ve sent me Depression, but even he has shaped me for the better. You have sent waves of seemingly hopelessness, but in the midst of that I have discovered a God that I never knew on this level before now. So, I’m not so resistant to you anymore. I will be okay when our time comes to a close, but for the time being I invite you in. I will make the most of your presence until you are exchanged with a screaming baby.
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Blogosphere … that seems so inpersonal … Lovely Souls that read my blog … I love you. You have helped shape me into me. The new me. The me that’s more me. I thank you.
xoxo,
jc