I wonder what I will think of this time in my life when I’m looking back on it 20 years from now. I try and journal, write, share with others and always attempt to remain aware of just what I’m feeling today and the next day and the day that follows … which always seems to be something totally different. Experiencing infertility seems all too new and unfamiliar to me. But, I wonder … when (if) I have a few more decades added on to my life what will I think of this time? What will I feel? One thing I know for sure is that I’ll be grateful.
More and more every day I am grateful to be in the place where I find myself. I trust God to build our family in a way only He can do. And, if I trust Him – like I try very hard to do everyday – then I don’t want to get in His way. At least not too much (I can’t help myself).
With gratefulness in tow it does not make this time any easier. It’s not so much longing for a house full of kids or a schedule packed full of dance class and soccer practice. It’s not desiring a life where 5:00 rolls around only for me to realize I still haven’t brushed my teeth … or eaten lunch … or been to the bathroom. It’s just longing to know what the future holds. I feel as if I could just know then maybe I could more fully enjoy today. No matter how hard I try each of my days are only lived to their half potential. No matter my busy-ness or the joy I find myself experiencing being a photographer or the love I feel when my husband is around or the freedom I feel when I’m laughing with friends … no, no matter what my soul is experiencing a portion of it is missing. Or maybe closed off. Or just numb. Yea, numb. I think it’s gone numb. Numb because it’s not easy living life everyday feeling vulnerable. It’s not easy living life with pain and longing and confusion and worry. And, even when I experience a peace that only God can provide my mind still searches for what the future will hold. Just maybe He’ll lay it all out for me. But, He doesn’t. He hasn’t. He shouldn’t. It would stunt my growth.
And, that’s what brings me back full-circle. I am grateful for the tremendous growth I’ve experienced and still am. Every single day I am molded just a bit more and every single day I am made a better, stronger, softer, more real, compassionate person. Someone who longs for a giant neon sign that spells it all out, but is content with the daily whispers that keep my heart beating.