Had a doctor’s appointment today. After over 3 months of no meds I was wondering just what my body does without them. If they can monitor me that closely on medicines surely they can do the same without them. I called my doctor’s office last week and he answered. Took me by surprise, but I was thrilled at how easy it was to schedule my Day 10 appointment. He thought my idea, by the way, was a great one.
This morning after doing the ultrasound he told me I was ready to start on more meds. “More meds? Now?” “Well, yea, you’re wanting to do injections again, right?” “Oh, no … [pausing to look at the nurse who was also shaking her head up and down] … but it’s Day 10 of my cycle.” “Oh! … [pausing to look at the nurse who then looked confused and embarrassed] … well, then that’s quite disconcerting. By the looks of things I thought you were on Day 3. Day 10, huh? Well, I want to get some blood work done on you. We’ll check everything. Let’s see if we can’t figure out why [couldn't tell you what he actually said. What I heard was: your reproductive system is all, but dead].”
What I was thinking: What!? Quite disconcerting?! But, I’ve been coming to you for a year now! You act as if you’ve just met me, just realized that I’m broken. This is not new! Remember?!? And, day 3?! Remember talking to me last week? I know you have other patients, but at least jot down a note and have the decency and compassion to read it before stepping in here! I know this is your 9 to 5, but this is my life. My every waking thought. What I dream about when sleeping. What I cry and yell and muster up all the hope I can find around about. Just this morning actually! I was hopeful walking in this office. Now I wonder if this past year has been a waste. Have we been traveling down a road that is entirely in the wrong direction? If it is a hormone or my thyroid is that why after all that work my pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage!? Please, tell me this has not all been in vain. I have been trudging up this mountain and after a 3-month break I started running again. Now, I’m considering laying down and rolling to the bottom. Will I ever be able to see the view I feel as if I’ve been promised?!? And, you! You get paid BIG BUCKS! Do your job. And, get with it. What’s the purpose of charts anyway?!
What I said: “Okay. Thank you.”
Then I spent the day inside my head. And cried. Pitiful, I know. Damn. I felt one with Hope this morning. Where did you go?
Grateful for emails sent from friends. Have a folder titled ‘Keepers’. It’s where I go when Hope seems to go missing. Found this one from my friend, sp, perfectly fitting…
How shall I pray?
Are tears prayers, Lord?
Are screams prayers,
Can trembling hands be lifted to you,
or clenched fists
or the cold sweat that trickles down my back
or the cramps that knot in my stomach?
Will you accept my prayers, Lord,
my real prayers,
rooted in the muck and mud and rock of my life,
and not just my pretty, cut-flower, gracefully arranged
bouquet of words?
Will you accept me, Lord,
as I really am,
messed up mixture of glory and grime?
Lord, help me!
Help me to trust that you do accept me as I am,
that I may be done with self-condemnation
and accept myself.
Help me to accept you as you are, Lord:
and yet to trust
that your madness is wiser
than my timid, self-seeking sanities,
and that nothing you’ve ever done
has really been possible,
so I may dare to be a little mad, too.