LolaBear has brought more joy to our family than we ever thought possible. How could any other human top our Charley? Yet, our hearts have found a slew of new rooms that have been filled with love. She amazes us daily and makes us laugh out loud often. She is a lover and she follows me all over the house. She cries when I walk around too fast so quite often she’s in my arms. Or her high chair. She is over-the-top in love with her big sister and thinks she is by far the funniest, most talented person in all of the world. And, Charley adores her. She is always concerned about “baby” and wants to know where she is at all times. She is also quick to give her kisses and make sure she has her lovie with her at all times.

The Lord walked us through the deepest, darkest valley and we are now living life on the highest mountain top we’ve ever been on.

The reality of the situation is that I am currently a mother to two babies. I know Charley has now turned two, but she’s still a baby in every sense of the word. Those girls need me for absolutely everything and they need something every 30-seconds.

In addition, I am still trying to make sense of the success The Define School has had in less than four months of being launched. Teachers are excitingly coming on board and students lives are being changed. Companies are wanting to help us promote the school and the work load is a lot. I have a dear nanny whom I am eternally grateful for that comes 20-hours a week and all other 20-30 hours are spent working at night. I am not sleeping much right now. But, we’re launching 8 new classes October 1st and then none others until January. So, I’m planning to slow down a bit and enjoy the holidays sleeping and eating and playing in the living room with the girls while the fire warms us. I am very much looking forward to it.

I have not forgotten just how sweet and fleeting these long, hard days are. I would not wish my life to look any different. I am constantly humbled by the Lord’s kindness. Those girls are my dreams come true and Corey and I are enjoying every last morsel of them.

I am (obviously) not blogging much (writing/blogging takes quite a bit of time), but I am micro-blogging just about daily – if not several times a day – on Instagram.

If you would like to follow our daily adventures there please do. jess_cudzilo

xoxo,

jc

xo,

jc

And, most days.. for weeks on end.. which sometimes turn into months… and even more sadly.. sometimes years I will live day in, day out choosing to live with my empty cylinder (a bucket of sorts, but calling it a bucket seems to cliche for me). My empty cylinder cannot be removed from my life. It is there forever. It holds all of the pain and hurt, wrong choices, fears, generational sins and unhealthy patterns.

I don’t like this cylinder. It’s not pretty and it’s heavily filled with emptiness. It’s the past and it seeks to steal me from my present. I try to hide all that it is filled with by filling it with more. So, I work and I busy myself and I keep an eye on my fears (although they’re sneaky, living in my subconscious) and I tell them daily… every minute at times… that they won’t get the best of me because I won’t take my eye off of them. If they try to sneak up on me I’ll be ready and waiting to combat them with all that I have. And, I perform the best I know how (which is exhausting because it’s so unnatural) and I find little bits of scrap here and there to put in my heavy, yet empty, cylinder to hide what lives inside.

I do this until I grow tired. Really tired. And, in the tiredness I start to wonder if there’s something more. And, like a pattern I cannot keep from repeating (although one of these days I will!) I take my eyes off my fears and my empty cylinder and I stop to take in the scene. I expect the worst because I’ve trained my brain to do so. And, what I see is what gives me hope and reminds me of what a waste of time I spend trying to throw a few scraps into a bottomless, empty cylinder.

It’s beautifully filled to the brim with everything that is truth in my life. It’s the life I have that is real. And, here… right here in front of me. A marriage that’s thriving, children that call me momma (two children!!), relationships I adore and family members that love me immensely. A business I built out of love and a vision to impact our world for the better, people who have come on board that believe in it… at times more than me. Hands that create and a brain that allows me to read books to my children… and write… and type with my fingers. Legs that are taking me places and skin that feels the blanket wrapped around my cold legs at the moment. I have a home that keeps us safe and warm and furniture that makes room for us to be together and a table that holds up our plates so that we can eat and laugh together. I have a business I believe in and vision in my mind where I see it going. I have life experiences, some incredibly painful and sad, that have left me a better person… teaching me to never take anyone for granted and made me value my husband’s job more than I ever could have before. And, when I’m thirsty I drink water from one of the six sinks in our house. Fresh, clean water. And, I eat wholesome food made available to me everywhere I go. And, of course… I have a Savior that has given me a life filled with grace and truth and so many blessings it’s left me longing for heaven more than ever.

I’m wondering what life would look like if I started my every day… my every minute only giving my mental, physical and spiritual energy to my filled cylinder. What if I could start each day knowing in my heart of hearts that I have arrived. It’s all here. There’s nothing else that needs to be done. Except, of course.. to enjoy that of which is right here in front of me. Giving even a small glance to my empty cylinder seems asinine, right?

So, I will start again. Today.

Because my cylinder is full.

I have arrived.

She no longer drinks from her bottle, but asking for one in the middle of the night is her way of telling me she’s hungry. I would have happily made her a bottle and held her as she drank it, but we were completely out of milk. I considered running to the gas station, but Corey was at work so leaving wasn’t an option. I picked her up out of her bed and laid down on the daybed with her like I’ve done a hundred times before, but she wouldn’t settle and started asking for sausage. She was hungry.

So I set her feet on the ground and with her paci and bunny in hand she ran to the fridge and waited for me to open it. Once I did she found her leftovers from the lunch we shared at Chick-fil-A earlier that day. “You want some chicken?” “K!”, she happily replied.

So, I heated it up for a bit in the microwave and we both sat at the dining room table like we were on a date. There was only one small light streaming in from the kitchen and it was highlighting her wild hair sticking up all over the place. The air was running and the vent nearby made her shiver a bit a few times. She was most definitely hungry, shoving food in her mouth with gusto. But, between every bite she talked. She coughed and laughed and said “I funny.” She asked where Dada was and the baby and pointed all over the room and said all the words she knows. She told me her food was hot and yummy and she ate.

And, in that moment I was not distracted by one single thing, not even light. I was reminded of the miracle that she is. I was reminded that just two and half years ago I did not even know of her existence and then there she was. Almost two years old, sitting across from me smiling and eating and being overwhelmingly cute and charming.

She scooted forward, threw her arms in the air and said, “all done, mama.” And, so I picked her up from her chair and she wrapped her arms and legs around me. I grabbed her paci and bunny off the table and she rested her head on my shoulder as I carried her back to her room to lay her back down. I stole an extra minute and ran my hand through her hair and begged God to never let me forget this moment.

Because there are a million other moments that don’t cause my heart to swell like that one did, but if I can cling to the ones that do I feel confident I can be the human I wish to be.

And, I have my children to thank for that.

I love to write and to reflect. It’s my way of processing and making sure I don’t forget.

But these days are so full and busy and sometimes even the best of things have to be shelved for a season in order to fully enjoy that of which will not be around for long.

(Who else loves Lola’s Groucho Marx eyebrows?)

The girls are in such a fun stage right now. Charley is hilarious and talking more and just insanely fun and spunky. And, Lola is chubby and seriously the happiest, most joy-filled baby I have ever been around. No matter how long the wishlist is in my mind I want to soak up this sweet season of life with my girls as children.

Man… these days are going to be gone way before I’m ready.

xo,

jc

Disclaimer: I will certainly be periodically talking about Define, but I have no intentions of making this the new Define blog. Instead, any photography lovers  can follow Define’s Tumblr here if you’d like.

When I made the leap to build and launch Define I was such an idealist. And, I think that ended up being of benefit because had I started out a skeptic and run into the roadblocks I’ve run into I would have shelved the idea… oh three days in.

You know all those inspirational quotes out there like this one that are about pursuing your dreams, living outside your comfort zone, embracing failures, etc, etc? I think there is a lot of truth in those. Really, I do. And, I like to have them sprinkled throughout, living on my desktop, my Pinterest, my office, my home. But, when building Define I learned something I didn’t know before:

Building something new, living outside your comfort zone and making peace with the possibility that all your efforts are being spent in vain is HARD. Hard as in scary, tiring, complex, complicating, filled with rejection, laborious, tempestuous, grinding, merciless and unrelenting (and yes, I got all of those words using Thesaurus.com).

Unrelenting feels like the most accurate word. It truly was two steps forward and one step back with this venture.

There were days when I felt overwhelmed with excitement and other days when I closed my computer, threw it under the bed and swore to never open it again.

I would like to be able to say that the reason I kept on pushing ahead and not letting anything (or anyone) get me down was because of my own kickass’ness, but that’s not the case. There were many moments when I felt dry and in major need of some help and in those moments I had some amazing people surrounding me.

When I first got the idea about Define I emailed my friend Deb Schwedhelm. Over the next two or so months she was the ultimate confidante, helping me make decisions, challenging me to think about some things differently, emailing me notes filled with exclamation points of enthusiasm and more. The beginnings of this project would have felt so lifeless if I hadn’t had her there.

Four years ago I met Cyndi when she hired me to photograph her family. I ended up spending EIGHT hours with them on the day of our shoot. I ate breakfast and lunch with them and just about stayed for dinner. She is a professional consultant and I demanded that she hear my idea and give me her honest feedback. There were some things that she said in the beginning that SAVED this entire business. I remember looking at her totally perplexed in regards to some of her warnings and holy crap, she was RIGHT. Smart, smart lady.

I considered using a template for the website since getting a custom site built can be expensive. But, when I started looking I realized nothing would allow me to have what was living in my brain. So, I emailed Jessica Rose at Volume 25 to see if she did freelance design. She did not, but highly suggested I contact Hey, Sweet Pea. I stalked them on Facebook for days and then finally sent an inquiry. They immediately won me over with how easy they were to communicate with and said they could definitely build the site I had in mind. Their prices were also VERY reasonable (for a fully customized site as detailed as mine) so I said a prayer and took the plunge.

I now feel like I won the lottery to be able to call Scott and Elise from Hey, Sweet Pea friends. There were numerous days when I strongly considered not moving forward with Define and almost always I would receive some type of encouragement from Elise (We are 100% behind Define and KNOW it will be awesome!). Those are words that always seemed to come at the perfect time. This is why I coined us the #DreamTeam. Really, they’re the Dream Team and I’m the 3rd wheel.

If you are considering rebranding I would HIGHLY suggest contacting Hey, Sweet Pea. Elise’s extensive process of getting to know her clients (think 20 page document + 2-hour initial Skype meeting) is so rare nowadays. They will brand your business in a way that will make it stand out. And, standing out means more money for you.

My dear friend, Rebecca, a freelance writer, spent HOURS listening to me ramble and then writing all the text for the website. When she would send me proofs for text I would go bug-eyed at how well she understood my vision and put it into words. At one point I told her she was a magician! I like to write, but y’all know I write like I talk and I talk like a country folk. The site could not be as professional as it is without all her hard work and I am soooo indebted!

Celeste came on board early on as my executive assistant and has been the breath of fresh air I needed when all the work seemed lonely. She would sit with me through long lunches and take notes while I rambled on and on. She has always been a huge support and taken her job seriously and for that I am grateful.

My friends and family (you know who you are) were invaluable to me during all of this. Most of them don’t know the photography industry at all and that was a blessing in disguise. It was always great to get a unbiased, outside perspective on the business side of things, the relational side of things or just giving me reprieve from talking about anything relating to the camera. Our nanny is a part of this mix. We are so fortunate to have someone so responsible and flexible and loving to our children. I kept Lola with me as much as possible those first three months, but when I needed a nap or a quick workout Laura was always ready to help in any ways needed. She’s always been that way and I would be a hot mess of stress if I didn’t have her a part of our family’s life.

All of the teachers that signed on to Define are courageous pioneers in our industry. They took the plunge and signed on to something they had no idea if it was going to be a success. Their trust in me and the vision I have for this school means more to me than any one of them will ever know. I have goals for this school to grow and make a positive impact on artists and our world at large, but no matter how big Define gets they will always be the most remembered teachers I ever hired. I posted this video on Define’s Tumblr in honor of them. I am grateful they didn’t leave me dancing alone. (Thank you Elise and Scott Grice, Michael Wilson, Jonathan Robert Willis, Michelle Gardella, Kristie Serra, Shannon Sewell, Krysta Manthe, Lukas VanDyke and Kellie Hatcher.)

And, of course my partner in crime, Corey. Corey has had to step in and make a lot of sacrifices in order for me to pursue this dream. There were many nights I slipped off to work, many nights he got up with Lola because I had stayed up working so late and many (make that every) days he was the most rational sounding board I didn’t always know I needed. I know this goes without saying, but I truly married up. He is an amazing human being and I can’t believe he’s mine.

So very thankful,

jc

]]> http://503galleries.com/blog/to-the-ones-who-said-yes/feed/ 16 http://503galleries.com/blog/what-ive-been-keeping-on-the-down-low-finally-announced-the-define-school/ http://503galleries.com/blog/what-ive-been-keeping-on-the-down-low-finally-announced-the-define-school/#comments Fri, 18 May 2012 21:18:26 +0000 jessica http://503galleries.com/blog/?p=4956

Tuesday night was a huge night for me. Not to get all drama on you, but I seriously nearly passed out.

When Charley was born I took 6-months maternity leave. And, the winter prior to that I took 4-months trophy-wife leave. So, from November 2009 to January 2011 I had 10 months to just do a whole lotta nothing. And, it was awesome (minus the weight I gained from being so lazy)! Doing little productive externally, I’ve learned, is when I am most productive internally. It’s when I grow the most as an individual and when I’ve grown the most as an entrepreneur. So, during that year I dreamed of all the ways I could grow my online workshops.

In 2011 I scaled down on mentoring and shoots, focused on being a mom and continued to do what I knew best: my workshops. I taught five and with every one my desire to do something a bit different, a bit more grew with intensity. I spent all kinds of time brainstorming, dreaming, writing and wracking my brain. I considered teaching another more advanced workshop. I considered hosting a live workshop here in Cincinnati. I considered all kinds of things, but none of them made me very excited.

Finally, one super random night last November the idea came to me (or more so, the Lord felt it fit to reveal it to me). All along I had been thinking so streamlined, so unoriginal. I knew I wanted to do something different and more, but I was also growing so tired and despondent about the industry I have seen evolve in the last 4-5 years. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to continue forward or move on to something else all together (i.e. work at Home Depot which I still plan to do before I die). But, on that seemingly random night it occurred to me that I didn’t have to do either. I could continue to foster artists in a way that was life-giving, but not play a role in the “who’s cooler than who,” “whose website and logo is fancier,” “who edits better than who” way.

I don’t want to be a sourpuss. And, I don’t want to disrespect what the camera means to me. Unlike most every other professional photographer, I had no idea I was more of an artist than anything until COLLEGE. After Corey and I were married was when I started to really see how much life I got from creating things. The camera helped me see not only how much I loved to learn new things and create pretty images, but also how much I loved to paint and build and tile and sew. My whole life I was trying to be a mathematician or scientist when all along I should have been taking art classes and majoring in photography (although ultimately I’m glad I didn’t). This is what has fueled my passion to help others find those untapped creative pockets.

I believe God makes each of us creative to help us come to know Him better. And, we can only know Him better when we are exercising our creativity in a way that is authentic to who He has created us to be. When I thought of the idea for an online photography school, I simultaneously envisioned people growing into their own, finding healing through creating art and making a difference in the world they and we all live in.

I have made some really poor decisions in my life and I’m also a bit pompous, hot-headed and stubborn. I only want these attributes to come out when they are relating to fighting for justice for someone. Otherwise, I wish them to stay buried. So, I spent deliberate time in prayer when first laying out the groundwork (something I don’t do enough) for Define and God said again and again (even in a crazy, wild dream one night where I woke up and saw a tiger our room!) to be generous. That was when I had the idea to have the school support non-profits. If ever I want the school to succeed for monetary gain I will undoubtedly grow weary. But, I believe wholeheartedly that if I desire the school to grow with wild success so that we can all make an impact on our world then I know I am operating out of a meaningful place.

…..  …  …..

Tuesday night is when the site went live and the announcement was made via newsletter, Facebook and Twitter. Define is so personal to me and I have put so much time and energy, tears and high-fives into it. I was convinced it would not be well received. I felt so much excitement, but it was laced with an immense amount of inadequacy, fear and sadness. It was quite strange actually. Wednesday, I woke up and still felt an overwhelming mix of emotions so I decided to fast from the internet for the day and just be with the girls. Best decision ever.

I woke up Thursday feeling totally revived and enthusiastic about what God has in store for this school. I did not get every teacher on board I originally had in mind, but the ones that I did are exactly the type I hoped for. They have all been carefully chosen and I feel so blessed to have a team of 11 people who are passionate about the art, love the idea of teaching others and want to see the school make a difference in our world, even if it’s just a small one.

…..  …  …..

I could write so much more about what I’ve experienced and learned these past 6-months. And, I plan to do so. But, for now I wanted to make the announcement here for those of you who may not have heard.

You can see the site here, including the classes being offered and we would be indebted if you liked us on Facebook and connected to us everywhere else (pinterest, twitter, tumblr).  Oh, and of course (like, duh, of course) we would be most thrilled if you signed up for a class or two or three when they open for registration.

Feeling so blessed for having even more of a reason to connect with you all…

jc

p.s. because giveaways are fun some lucky person who links to us on any of our social networking will be given a $1000 scholarship to the school to be announced Friday, May 25th. Retweets, Facebook shout outs, etc are considered an extra entry.

]]> http://503galleries.com/blog/what-ive-been-keeping-on-the-down-low-finally-announced-the-define-school/feed/ 8 http://503galleries.com/blog/instagram-followgram-im-random-and-i-ramble/ http://503galleries.com/blog/instagram-followgram-im-random-and-i-ramble/#comments Tue, 08 May 2012 19:16:43 +0000 jessica http://503galleries.com/blog/?p=4948 Instagram is officially the first (and only) social networking tool that I actually like. And, in this case like = love a lot. For those who haven’t joined the Instagram train (or have a phone that won’t let them) it’s basically like Twitter, but in pictures instead of words. And people, I would MUCH RATHER scroll through photos then have to read a ton of words and link to outside sites. I would much rather SEE the clear water in Mexico then read about it and I would MUCH RATHER get a visual on your sad, teething baby then have to envision it. It actually doesn’t hurt my head, it surprisingly leaves me energized and feeling *for real* more connected to people.

I’m in love.

The only downside to Instagram is that you can’t share a quick link to let people follow you. Instead you have to share your username and then they have to type it in and click follow. But, I did a little research and found that there is a 3rd party site, Followgram, that lets you do a quick link-a-roo. Like this.

Isn’t that great?

I love Instagram.

And, I wish I thought it up and built it so that I could have been paid a BILLION dollars when it sold last month. (Actually, I would never want a billion dollars because we all know mo’ money = mo’ problems and I don’t want mo’ problems.)

Just a week before Lola Bear was born I posted this about all I wished to accomplish in 2012. I have surprisingly made great headway and in obviously the biggest department of becoming a family of FOUR (Had I known that we would become a family of four the NEXT WEEK I would have died of an insta’ heart attack). I hired a little help (translated to: I waved my white flag) to help me finish the stairs, paint the chest in the nursery and fix up our kitchen cabinets that had been dinged up. I have been connecting with more photographers than ever and really trying to not be so much of a hermit (believe it or not I’m outgoing, but quite shy). I decluttered our house in a mah’jah way and took a few things off the calendar resulting in less multi-tasking. And, I found the perfect office space for myself (seen above) which has helped me big time keep work life and family time separate.

Now, I just need help in one more area: RELAXING. I am a busy body if you haven’t figured that out. I have a lot of energy and I get really excited about random things. The flip-side of this is that I have a really hard time just relaxing. It drives my husband crazy. I’ll totally watch this movie with you, but do you mind if I sew some new pillows, organize this box of stuff and edit photos? Poor guy. I am so annoying. Really, I am. I’m annoyed myself just typing this out. So, I need to just chill.

Enough ramblin’ for now…

jc

Motherhood seems to teach me something new every single week. Last week was no different.

The girls and I went to Knoxville last week for a few days. It’s always nice to have a little extra help with the babies when Corey is working as much as he’s been working lately. Also, my friend, Shannon, was going to be in Gatlinburg teaching her workshop and we had made plans to grab dinner the night before. So Monday night with her was fun sipping on margaritas together and Tuesday I spent the day with my dear friend and family who was in town from Arizona. Then, Wednesday Charley woke up crying.

By that evening I was at our friend’s house who is a doctor with Charley who had yet to stop crying. Her temperature was at 103.4 and she was drooling like crazy. I was thinking she had gotten some type of awful virus while also teething (I really had no idea). Our friend was able to take a quick look in her ears (to rule out ear infections) and mouth and quickly determine that she had hand foot mouth disease. Her mouth was covered in blisters. Coooooovered. People, it was the saddest thing you’ve ever seen.

I had planned to spend Wednesday, Thursday and Friday working. My mom was ready to help with the girls as much as possible and I had a huge list of things that needed to get done (more on all that I was working on coming soon!). Instead, I did this:

While looking at this:

For three days.

It was bad. And, sad. She was so hungry, but couldn’t eat. We could not, no matter what, get her to drink any water. She was tired and restless and uncomfortable and just plain ol’ miserable. It was heartbreaking.

The only thing that kept her from being admitted to the hospital due to dehydration was her baba. She would drink milk from her baba so we went from “no more baba” to “Oh! You want another baba? Baba! You want another baba??! Okay!” I was so grateful for the baba. And, Elmo. The only two things that gave her comfort.

As I laid horizontal with Charley on top of me all day and all night I was reminded that all my girls need from me is me. That was freeing because it’s easy to get caught up in the doing. I’m not the type to try and pretend like I’m ever going to scrapbook or make creative crafts for every hour of the day. And, we really enjoy just sitting around and doing nothing, especially on the back porch which is where we spend a ton of our time. But still, I often feel like maybe I could do more. And, I know that’s not true, but it’s the hustle of being a mom and wanting to be the best mom possible that keeps us second guessing ourselves, I guess. But, my three days with her etched a tattoo on my brain. Just me. That’s all they need.

So, I was grateful for those days. She is such an independent little thing so I enjoyed spending so much intimate time with her and being able to just be there when she needed me the most.

Today is day 6 and she’s still a bit under the weather. She can at least eat a bit more and is drinking water in small sips. She has completely lost her voice probably from the sores in her throat paired with the incredible amounts of crying she did. But, she’s on the up and not having to hold her mouth quite so weird in order to not let the sores on her tongue touch the rest of her mouth …

With Corey being a critical care doctor he’s not dramatic about much, but with this he said if Lola gets HFM disease it will be a guaranteed hospital admittance. And, that would be miserable for us all.

We pretty much kept the girls totally separate those three days. My mom cared for Lola (night feedings and all) so that I could focus on just Charley. I would have DIED if I would have not been in Knoxville receiving all that extra help. Seriously. Dead I would be.

This week is going to be a busy one, but again I’m grateful for the lesson and open to what I’m sure to learn around the corner.

xo,

jc

p.s. Oh, did you say you want to see a picture of Lola? Why.. okay!

I mean, can you even stand that face (or those ears)??! That baby brings us so much joy which is a big relief from ol’ Betsy Buzz-kill…

If you wanna, follow me on Instagram (jess_cudzilo) where you can see the pics posted above including all the other pics I post daily of Charley and Lola and Lola and Charley together. Trust me, it’s exciting stuff.

Have a beautiful weekend, friends,

jc