He said, wrapping up his teaching, worn, leather Bible in hand, “This wasn’t written for the religiously and philosophically correct. It was written for the depraved. So much so, that a man who was known for his heinous murdering of Christians wrote a part of the Bible. And, yes. There is room for you, too.”
Today as I was working out I was replaying that line in my head again and again. And, I found myself grateful for the words that were not written for the religious. Nor for the philosophically correct. Words that were written for me [which would be equivalent to quite the opposite]. And, that is why I need it in my life. It speaks daily freedom to me and I need the constant reminder that the walls I place around myself are not necessary. There is more to this life then I know.
This weekend I sat at breakfast in my hometown with three girls that I love more with each passing day, two of them pregnant. With Emily sitting next to me, I had the sudden desire to fill him move. And, so I poked and prodded and begged Liam to just give me a little kick or high five. And, he did. It was the most amazing thing ever. I had to force my brain to take over my heart so that I would not burst into tears in the middle of the bagel shop. And, so they only flooded my eyes before drying up again. That night, at the shower for her I wanted to fill him again and again he let me. I felt overwhelmed. Peaceful. With my heart racing I felt immense love for my dear friend and the life growing inside of her. And, I felt immense gratefulness to God for allowing me to experience something so supernatural that I was able to do so without “me” being in the way. In those moments – the moments of feeling a life inside a life – I did not feel the least bit numb. My heart was open to it and yet again I felt freedom. Freedom from my own painful longing.
And, so yesterday and today has been spent thanking God for allowing me to feel the way I feel today. It’s not made up, I know this. If it were I would not be able to write this post as freely as I am [with my husband watching the much-too-dramatic-show, 24, much-too-loud in the same room ]
I want to send out a GIANT blog-world hug to all of the women who have loved me from all corners of this country. Your words I will cherish forever. Thank you for your comments left, your emails sent, your stories shared. If this blog serves any purpose my desire is that it helps those of you in my same shoes find comfort, connection and the challenge to tell your story, too. Infertility does not define you.me.us. It only serves to grow us into more beautiful people. I pray you know that. You are beautiful just as you are today.