… it’s just my own.

Posted in Misc, Ramblings on March 29, 2011

It’s not new to have the feelings of quitting everything. I go through these “waves” at least once a year, if not more. I always look at my husband and tell him I want to delete it all and move on to something totally different.

It usually is spurred on by another artist. I see their brilliance. I think of my own art. I all but laugh out loud at how “ungifted” I really am. I feel embarrassed that I call myself an artist and I want to delete it all and pretend as if I never traveled down this road in the first place. Remember when you were a photographer? It’s funny to think how you’re now an accountant. (or something equally as crazily opposite.) No, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

I guess it’s just the ebb and flow of being an artist. Capturing life on paper, working with someone that in some small way changes your life for the better, spending late nights poring over your computer and producing something that is new and exciting and life-giving. Feeling on top of the world. Clicking a link to a photographer’s portfolio, feeling overwhelmed at how talented they are, hearing about a new and brilliant idea an artist has that you wish you had thought of, viewing art that has changed the world. Feeling like a giant fraud. Wanting to crawl in bed and wake up an accountant.

That’s how I’ve been feeling the past few days. I find myself over-thinking my business and feeling a bit overwhelmed trying to organize my thoughts, dreams, wishes and realizations about everything.

Then, I look through some of the {way less than perfect} photos I took last week …

early morning, my nephew hugging/tackling Charley.

late night, My dad tucking Charley into bed, my mom reading with my nephew.

finding my dad and my daughter enjoying a quiet moment together on the porch.

{left} Charley’s courtesy smile she has started giving to strangers and my camera. the joy of grandkids.

eating dinner, thinking his Aunt Jessica is the funniest girl around. {he’s right.}

untitled-2

the girls I’ve quite literally grown up with together for our bi-annual girl’s weekend, no kids allowed. In the photos above are 11 people. four out of the six are pregnant, one with twins. all coming this summer. weeeeee!

… and suddenly I’m reminded why I fell in love with photography in the first place. Why I’ve never pursued it to be famous. Why a valuable role I play in many of my friends’ and family’s lives is simply clicking the shutter button. Why I am changing the world, it’s just my own.

http://kscphotography.com Karin

I can’t tell you how much I connect with your posts… this one just as much as many others. Thank you so much for your honesty and sharing. You are fabulous. Please don’t be an accountant.
http://amycraftphotography.com AmyC

I love these images…..and you truly are an artist. You see and feel and interpret that into your images. I understand where you are coming from with this though. Great post! Just keep on doing your thing!
admin

@Karin “Please don’t be an accountant.” Hahahaha. Thank you.
@Amy Always an encouragement. Love to you!
AmyHip

you rock! … and for the record, you changed my world
http://thelittlefeet.blogspot.com/ Jen

Thank you for being real.
http://www.sharonmckeeman.com/blog sharon

what a good reminder today
http://kristinreinhardphotography.ch Kristin

WOW – your post could not of come at a more perfect time in my life – after have a little mini crisis in my own life today. I have been hiding my camera away (I keep telling myself its in winter hybernation) and this has made me want to get it out and start snapping away again. Beautiful photos.
http://www.shewearsmanyhats.com/ Amy | She Wears Many Hats

Good stuff. I’ve been feeling the same way lately. Wondering if I close it all down and quietly sneak away if anyone would notice…could it be done without being considered a quitter? And I keep coming back to what you just said. I do what I do because it ultimately fills the need in me to create, to capture, to explore, not because of what others are doing. And that won’t go away if I decide to take up ditch digging. Thanks!
http://dreamsomedesigns.blogspot.com/ Kristi Bowman

I think you’ve hit it right on the head for many of us, not just photograghers but I’ve certainly felt this way…recently. It’s all pretty overwhelming sometimes. But I already have an Accountant type day job so I know that’s not what I want lol. Thank you for sharing and being so honest, I know it will resonant with many many people who read it.
admin

I truly didn’t know when writing that so many others would resonate with how I’ve been feeling. I sure do looooove this sweet little online community. Makes me feel not alone in moments of mini-crises. ; )
Sandy B

Hi — just found your blog through a link from Karen Russell. Your photos are beautiful!! What really caught my attention was your comment about waking up an accountant. I am an accountant and often crawl into my bed and wish I could wake up a photographer! Have a great day, and enjoy the results of your efforts!
admin

@Sandy – so glad you “found” me! And, I loved your comment. Made me laugh. Thank you.
http://everydaytammie.com tammie

came here from karen russell too. such great words, and so many of us feel exactly the same way..great reminder!
thank you for this!
http://www.lifeinthebirdhouse.blogspot.com payton

Thank you for writing this. It’s hard to believe that sometimes what we love can also feel like a burden. Thank you for reminding me why I like documenting life with a camera….for me!
Christy

Ditto all these comments!
I, too, have found myself at a crossroads, so to speak, here the past few days. Totally unsure of what I’m doing, why I’m doing it, and where I hope to end up. Thanks for this post today. It was meant for ME.
Jenn

I really related to this post. I have only been shooting for a year now and have definitely felt like a fraud many times. I will be printing this post out and saving it for those moments that I too want to delete it all. Thank you for being authentic and vulnerable with all of your readers.
Lori

I am so grateful you took time to share your thoughts and Karen Russell for sharing your blog link. I feel a huge release taking place and I’m looking forward to getting back to LOVING what I truly love and not critiquing it unmercifully. Your photos made me smile…absolutely precious!
http://www.simplydeneen.typepad.com Deneen

Great post! I think I needed this today when I am feeling like my photography is just not good enough but then again who does it need to be good enough for right? Thanks for the reminder.
Christine Edwards

Karen Russell shared your link, and I am very thankful she did. I’ve just spent the better part of the day feeling exactly the same way. And even though I know other people have moments of doubt, it’s nice to hear it voiced out loud, particularly when it’s by one of those more-talented folks (you). And I absolutely love your closing sentence. It is our own, and that should be good enough. Thank you!
Lisa Anderson

You always say just the right things – I love hearing what’s in your heart and mind! Thank you for sharing you with us! I’m thankful you didn’t become and accountant…
Tami

You are fabulously gifted! So glad you are continuing in the talents God has given you!!
Liz

Huh…. Just read your post. I’m not an artist. I’m certainly not famous. I’m loved by family and friends….and typically, I’m pretty level headed (or so I’d like to think). But, lately I have just been so overwhelmed feeling so unbalanced about so many things. I have said (too often – I’m afraid), that I just need this month to be over! And I hate to think – even for a second – that I’d want to wish any fraction of time away. Feeling like I can’t truly focus on any one thing…having too many things on my plate…going to bed late… lying in bed restless – mentally preparing a list of things that need to get done…being to concerned about things I have no control over…feeling like I haven’t done enough…feeling physically, mentally and emotionally taxed…feeling like what I’m worrying about really has no relevance to things that are globally way more important…feeling like I have nothing left to give my family after another chaotic day of work…just wanting to catch up on precious sleep…because maybe if I could rest – then I could wake up ready to tackle the day instead of going through the motions…perhaps I would be a better spouse, mother, professional, friend, daughter, sister… wondering lately, if I am making any sort of difference at all. I hate when I feel like this… disconnected and unsure…. I’m better than that. Jessica, thanks for keeping it real and raw and from the heart.
http://www.stephaniemorganphotography.com/blog Stephanie

Friend, you always seem to say what I need to hear when I need to hear it. You know my struggles:) Most of it comes from comparing myself to others and putting crazy expectations on myself. Thank you for sharing.
karen

awesome post!!! it’s so easy for anyone thats creative to compare ourselves to others and what they are creating. thank you for saying out loud what we feel.
Jen

So happy to have been sent here. I don’t feel quite so alone with these same issues! Thank you so much for sharing.
http://jessapostle.com jess

thank you thank you thank you for this post! i needed it today…..i relate so much to those feelings of “what am i doing? and why am i not doing it this way, or that way?”

p.s. your daughter is really beautiful!!
rebecca

Found your blog via Karen Russell ~ you hit the nail on the head, and you put a smile on my face. I am an Accountant and a Photographer! So glad others feel the same way I do. I also look at my work and go “what am I thinking; why are people paying me to do this????” I guess it’s part of being human, but still, that feeling sucks.

Keep doing what you are doing; love your images; they are real, raw and capture the soul of each person.

I wonder what I can wake up to be???
admin

A huge thank you and shout out to all of Karen’s peeps who have hopped on over to say hi! You all are welcome here anytime. ; ) (and, of course the “I totally get it” comments mean more than you know.)
http://www.bkohay.blogspot.com Kelly

Jessica,
You have no idea how much I needed to read this today! I’m just starting my photography business and it’s been such a journey so far. I’m learning so much about myself, it’s scary!!! At times, I have felt like throwing in the towel and quitting. Like you said, I look at someone else’s work, I’m blown away, and start thinking I’m totally not cut out for this business. Everytime I take one step forward, I feel like my confidence in photography is making me take 2 steps back.
To each his own, I know. My photography may take someone’s else’s breath away, although right now I don’t feel that will ever happen. Giving up just seems easier than pushing forward.
So, thank you for writing this. It was great to see someone as crazy talented as you has similar thoughts as lil’ ol’ me.
~K
http://ellingsenphotoblog.com/ Trude

Yes, yes, and yes. Thank you for sharing exactly how I feel! I actually had to mentally kick myself in the butt lately because I’m not doing P365 this year and have been seriously not taking as many “everyday” photos as usual, and I miss them. It shouldn’t matter if the light isn’t “perfect”, darnit, just that I’ve captured the moment! This also ties in with why I love my iPhone for those moments!
http://sarahvanwijck.blogspot.com Sarah

I hear you!! I could have written that piece myself. It is a daily conversation that goes on in my head. I am at that giving up point. Taking a step back, and taking photos for me. A photography business was a pipe dream, but maybe not for me. Taking those everyday photos does make my heart sing – perfect or not!
Sara

I’m a fairly new follower of your blog, and I have to say that to me you are one of the photographers I look at and see your brilliance and want to aspire towards. So don’t be discouraged, because to so many others you ARE inspiration!
Christi Traster

Oooooooh girl. Love it. Love love love it. God speaks. And he speaks through people. And I just heard him say, “You are good enough. You are worthy. So take a deep breath. And know that you’re not alone.” That’ the bomb dignity right there. Thank you, thank you.
http://lisaceaserphotography.com Lisa C

star8278.blogspot.com

Thank you.

Thank you for expressing in words what I feel in my heart so very often.

Thank you for saying what I could not so clearly articulate.

Thank you for reassuring me, how I feel is normal.

Thank you.
http://www.elizabethholdersblog.typepad.com elizabeth holder

just found your blog and this post so hit home!! Thanks so much for sharing insecurities we all feel at times – some more then others and sometimes they stay for a long time!!
I can’t thank you enough -
and just so you know -
I look at your work and feel insignificant!
http://brown-eyedgirlphotography.ca Dawnelle

Oh, how I can relate. Thanks for the encouragement. Life is art itself. If you can capture that, whether it be great or less than great… It is the memory that counts in the end. These photos are beautiful and they tell a story. A story of your life and it allows the rest of us to remember the important things. Please don’t be an accountant.
Amanda M.

This post hit home with me! I have been on this roller coaster for about a month now, and it’s so aggravating at times! I had a session just this week where I left heartbroken and miserable. It was just one of those days where I should have said No. I’ve been really questioning myself lately and need to learn to stop it! I know what I want to do and I know it comes in due time. Thank you for the reminder though! You’re posts are always so real and true!
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http://neweyedea.com Maryanne

GREAT post. I found you through Brooke Snow’s blog. I’ve felt this way a lot. I have finally freed myself up lately and started shooting what I want, the way I want. Regardless of what sells, what style is currently “in”, or what people expect of me (hate being in a box) And now all the idea lamps in my head are lit and glowing red. Ripe for enjoying the hard work I pour into this crazy thing called photography. Hang in there!
http://www.alisaogburn.com Alisa

Hi Jess! Christi T. sent me to your blog and THIS post and I’m so glad she did. Your last line, is now my motto! Brilliance. As photographers and more importantly, as Mom’s, we forget how wonderful we are & how much we impact our own world. Thank you for helping me see the light!
http://www.reneeyemma.com Renee @ Get Inner-gized with Renee!

WOW! What an amazing post! It gave me chills. Jess, you are such an inspiration! I took your last workshop before you became a wonderful mommy (which was this time last year!) and at that time I was full on wanting to go the professional photography route b/c of your exact realization in this post. I’m SO passionate about the meaning behind photography, but I find myself doubting if I can do this work because of my lifestyle…my husband is in the military and we move all the time…I guess I’m looking for a career that is grounding and can go anywhere we go, so i’ve continued on with working my creative nutrition business (which includes photography – but not as a professional ) some days my heart aches to do the professional route b/c I know I truly love the meaning behind it…you have always inspired me!! thank you for this amazing post!!
Julie

Love your article- especially the part about second-guessing yourself. We ALL do that. I actually was an accountant for 5 years and ended up becoming a photographer! Of course I ask myself every day “what the hell am I doing?” But look at it this way~ there are those who never take risks at all. Glad we’re not them.
http://tellyourstory.typepad.com Corie in Indy

Karen Russell shared this post with her students because it moved her. It moved me, as well. Thanks so much for the reminder that we do this because we love it. We don’t have to be exactly like anyone else. We don’t have to be art-gallery photographers. But we do make a difference. Our work matters. And we love it. And that’s all that matters. Awesome, honest, touching post. Thanks for sharing.
Sara V

Thank you for the encouragement, inspiration and knowledge that others feel the same way I do! You don’t know how often I look at other’s work and then at my own and think, “there’s no comparison, I’m no artist/photographer…..I’m a fake….” But I have to remind myself it’s NOT true. I’m doing what I love and that’s all that matters.
Sara
http://iamtheonewiththecamera.blogspot.com/

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