it’s [y]our story.

Posted in Ramblings on January 13, 2010

I’m not sure what to do with this space anymore. There was a time when it helped me share my heart. It served as the catalyst in connecting me to so many incredible people. But, somewhere along the way … this summer it was … it started to be a place of reminded pain. It was as if my online journal just reminded me day in and day out that I had to work hard each day to be grateful for what I do have, not just focus on what I don’t. (Maybe that’s not such a bad thing after all …) But, still … I didn’t want to work so hard on reminding the world that Yes. I Am Still Infertile. It got old. (Good grief. It still is) And, it started to serve as this heavy obligation for others to check-in on me (convinced I was utterly depressed even when I wasn’t), worry about me, feel sorry for me, cry when they told me that they were pregnant (which left me consoling them over their good news … ??) … I’m sure it’s even scared a few readers away. Yet, I know it’s attracted many. Which is why I write today.

I needed a break from being so honest. Our story isn’t just ours, but it also is just that. Just ours. It’s this really weird thing. A battle I fight daily. I don’t want to be secretive about the journey we’re on because I know SO MANY OTHERS are on one so similar and if me sharing about my broken self allows someone else to feel not alone, well then it’s worth it. But yet … it’s my life. My body. My husband. Our relationship. Our pain. Our journey. It’s just ours. Not yours. But, it is yours. It’s totally yours … and the battle ensues.

I feel incredibly stuck in life right now. Not in a grander scale kind of way; in an everyday kind of way. I have a list of things I want to do to our house. I have 503 endeavors I’m dying to take. I have steps that need to be made to simplify our lives so that our time together is even more maximized. And, really … I just want to nest. In a hopeful sort of way. Yet, I feel just plain ol’ stuck. Like my list is in my head, but I can’t get my muscles to move. I’ve been thinking about this the past couple days and today I think I have maybe come up with the reason why.

It’s our story.

It’s messy and imperfect, filled with disappointments and missed connections. It’s wonderful and perfect, filled with love and butterflies within when we’re together. It’s filled with laughter and tears. Screaming and long hugs. It’s filled with contentment for what we have and an intense longing for what we do not.

It’s our story. It’s your story. It’s [y]our story.

Which is why I am writing now. I feel brave again. Not as brave as I once did, but brave enough to at least have gotten this far in this post. That should stand for something, right?

I’m asking for something. All of my vulnerable self. I need to know you’re there. That this is still a journal that speaks back. I understand why many of you are secret readers. I am mostly a secret reader to every single blog I follow. But, today I need to know you’re there. You read and care and relate. Even if you leave your comment anonymously I will feel just as loved.

Thanks for tending to my sorry, sappy self.

love,

AmyC

I’m so happy you decided to continue. You are a beautiful writer!
http://thestanleyclan.blogspot.com Becca

I love it here and I love your heart~ Thanks for writing!!
Ashley

reading and loving all of it!
http://www.amberherlockerblog.com Amber H

I am here friend. Can’t wait for our special trip! Wish we lived closer.
http://www.mcmillenmoments.blogspot.com Kim

I am glad that you are writing again…I read everyone of your posts! I look forward to following [y]our story!
(and I am glad that I got to see you during your last visit!
http://www.frenchpressphotography.com Tara

Thanks, Friend. Looking forward to hanging out soon.
http://twobroomes.blogspot.com Cameron

here for your friend, reading you e.v.e.r.y.d.a.y, even when you aren’t here!
http://www.angiewarrenphotography.com Angie

My dear, it has been eight months since I found you. Eight months since I fell in love with your heart. Eight months since I subscribed and haven’t looked back. From your initial reply to my request for the Photog Series (can you believe that is where we got started?) which was full of sincerity, genuine kindness, and a spirit about that email that told me YOU were one to keep an eye on.

Now you are apart of something so special to me, I couldn’t be more giddy. Your continuing to write, when and as much as feels right to you – is a bright spot in my week.

xoxo
james

you’re so right. it is {y}our story, and the {y} stands for all of us walking along side you. your vulnerability is inspiring, and it’s one of my most fave things about you. that and the fact that i get to carry your hip spanish purse!! love you so much, mercy moo, and thank you for posting today!
http://www.mycuttingandcreating.blogspot.com Meredith

Your writing is beautiful, I have your link on my side bar.
Karen P.

Glad to see that you are back! I’ve been checking in hoping to hear more from you. Your life, your photography, your teaching. All of it. As a woman who has also dealt with infertility, I can relate to your story. I finally became a Mom through adoption, and now have two beautiful sons! It was a long bumpy road to get to where I am. I wish I were brave enough to have had a place to put down my thoughts and feelings.

Jessica, Thank You for sharing you with us!! XO
http://www.thedowneyclan.blogspot.com Ashley Downey

Your writing seriously is amazing! I enjoy reading these blog posts so much and I’m glad you’ve continued…. I often wonder “should she have been an author or a photographer?”
Michelle

I love reading your blog. Your writing is a gift.
amy

you started me on my photography journey through your workshop and I feel as if you’ve been a friend ever since. even though it’s a one-way friendship, I love your writing…your honesty, perspective, vulnerability and hope. you are an inspiration to me. I am truly sad when I go to my blog reader and you haven’t posted. I am a firm believer that life’s obstacles shape who we are and can provide a great gift, although it is often difficult to see in the midst of the pain. you provide a gift to all when you reach out and share [y]our story. love and hugs to you.
Beth

Hi Jessica,

(It’s redhead beth, from your nov-dec. workshop, which rocked my world, BTW). I am reading… you are on my google reader, and I pretty much never comment on any blogs. I already feel guilty enough taking time to read them all, let alone comment on them

Anyway… I can’t relate to your struggle of infertility, but my heart hurts for you. I have a close friend that went through a 3 year struggle of infertility (including daily self-injections in her stomach in the end), and just found out she’s pregnant. I hope your infertility journey has such an ending too.

I feel like such a tool, commenting on this. I feel like I have no right to try and say anything nice, because I’ll probably make it worse. After all, I really do have no idea what you’re going through. Nonetheless, I’ve been keeping you in my prayers ever since you mentioned a while back that this is your struggle, and I just want you to know that I’m here, listening, and praying for you. Thank you for sharing your heart with such honesty and “realness”. You rock.

Much love,

Beth
Beth

PS… Having clicked over from google reader, I noticed the new look. Lovin’ it!
Carrie Hartman

Hello again Jessica.

Reading your post today was almost like looking into the mirror of my soul. Once again, I feel connected to you. Just like when I first heard about your workshop and read your profile and saw that you use your cell phone to light your way to bed in the dark of night. I knew I had found a kindred spirit.

So to encourage you today, know these things.

You create beauty. You inspire so many to learn. Your determination in the face of uncertainty strengthens those who are weak. Your writing moves me to laugh and more often to shed tears. You are a gift to those who know you.

Take heart and keep up the good fight.

Much love.

Carrie
http://www.smittenphotographyblog.com sharon from smitten

you have an amazing heart. i love when i come to your blog and get to read words of truth and real life from you. all i wanted to say was that i love who you are and wish we lived closer. xoxxo
http://southernandpreppy.blogspot.com Preppy 101

I guess it was meant to be for me to read today. My blog reading has gotten really sporadic, but I just glanced at my reader today and caught up a bit. So, I’m here. Hope you feel loved! xoxo
Stephanie

I’m here! So many of us value your transparency and are inspired by it. I love reading your blog to see the journey that God has you on, knowing that despite the heartache, He truly does have a perfect plan for your family and I can’t wait to see what that is. I wish it were as easy going through it. I have a friend in a similar situation, yet different I’m sure in many ways, and I have shed many tears and prayed many prayers for you both. It took us two years to get pregnant, which really isn’t that long for many women, yet it was incredibly hard to wait….and to trust. Now we’re hoping for a second and every month enter the disappointment phase. I just have to keep my faith and trust that only He knows best regardless of the outcome.
Marcie

Love the new look, and love you from afar! May God fill you with a comfort and peace, encourage you and unstick you in only the way He can!
Kim

I hadn’t been to your website in a while, but I wanted to send some love your way on here as well Again, thanks for sharing your heart and your story!
Julie

Longtime ‘lurker,’ first time poster… and currently taking your Jan/Feb workshop. You are an amazing teacher, a wonderful writer and a gifted photographer. Thank you for sharing your talents, honesty and self with us all – it can’t be easy, but you do it beautifully.
Your favorite bff in M

I love you. I love your blog. I love your creativity. I love that you can be so deep and heart-felt, and in the next breath be so GTL. You’re every woman. Luh you lots.
http://www.emileegarrett.blogspot.com Emilee

I do read and care and relate. You are incredible. My life is richer having met you!
cheryl

keep writing! i wish i could be more eloquent than that, but i’ve been in too much of a “blah” mood about writing myself. i think the more i work, the less i want to process/think/write.

on a separate note, we have to play super mario bros all together. dave keeps killing me when we play by ourselves.
Jessica

I’m here and I pop in on your blog often. Thanks for being so vulnerable and real. I often read your blog, your words and think…”that’s exactly how I felt.” I have a story too. A good one. A long one. One that is still in process. I love reading your story. I pray for you often.

Jessica S.
Anonymous

I don’t know and you don’t know me but I check your blog almost daily. I am glad you have posted this. Anonymously I am crying, caring, and praying for you.
Misty

I’ve missed you. Thanks for coming back. I know your struggle personally and know the joy of the other side as well. I’m praying you know it soon.
Trace

I see you
x
Beth T

Oh Jess-
Love the new website, love your post and love you! You know you have a great blog if I’m reading it…because as you know I’m not a blogger. A big thumbs up from me.
Dawn D

Oops, I pyt my comment in the wrong post. Really, though, this entry allows a beautiful glimpse into your heart. Thank you for sharing yourself so openly.
Laura

I have stalked your blog since you took pictures of my sisters family and then I took your first workshop – which I loved. But, like a lot on here, I check this almost everyday and get so excited when there is something new. I absolutely love your pictures and I love your story. You have spoken to my heart through both. Thank you for sharing [y]our story with us!
Katie C

Jessica, I’ve already admitted my blog-stalker tendencies and told you how much of an encouragement your words have been to me. In case you need reminding, you have pushed me to be more authentic with where I am and who I am. It’s a learning process, but I’m thankful that (for now) you are staying on the road with me!
Nikki V

I am so totally a blog stalker too. I love your openess, and your way with words, and your amazing talent as a photographer. You’ve inspired me in so many ways. So glad to see you back!
http://www.cherylmccain.com/blog Cheryl

You’re not only sharing your story, you’re sharing yourself with each one of us that feel for you, pray for you, and walk beside you.
For that……..thank you!
Elissa

Hey Jess-
I love the blog. I also love that you write about what’s real to you. I stopped writing this past year after the miscarriages because it seemed like everything I wrote about always came back to that. So, I stopped writing… but I wish I hadn’t. I’m grateful I still have my journals, but I even stopped writing in those for a while because I was tired of writing the same thing every day. I’m glad you kept writing because one day when you hold that sweet baby in your arms you’ll be able to look back and feel with every fiber of your body the miracle that God created. Jessica S. told me that the best thing about going through her struggle was that she never takes a moment with C for granted, and you’ll forever have these words you’ve written to remember exactly what God did.

I have this verse laying next to my bed beside the little Willow Creek figurine that my mom bought me after we lost the first baby. The figure is holding a little wire balloon that simply says, “Hope.” The verse says, “You turned my wailing into dancing. You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever.” Jess, thank you for not being silent. It’s given me strength to keep hoping.
Marla

Hey! Big hugs to you! I am here and i LOVE reading what you write! Look at all of these people that follow you! Hope you feel as special and loved as you are.
Much love,
Marla
http://www.HalinaV.com Galina

I am here. I’m reading it and I see that you are really strong, brave person, who is not afraid to bare your soul on this blog. Usually photographers (I am amongst those too, but I am trying to change) in their business blog just put nice looking pictures, write about the awards and all other positive things, accomplishments. So everybody who read the blog start to think , that nothing sad\bad is going on and also… start to look like it’s a part of “Emily Post Etiquette” , new rule – “never write anything other that positive stuff in your blog”…
I want to break from that pattern. And You are already doing it! That is inspiring!!! Really!
Gladys

yeee you are back!… I’m getting a camera soon and this book will be great!

love, love , love you pictures!
caroline

Wow, I just love the new look. It fits you so perfectly. I love you & I’m always here for you, day, night, any time.

Mom
http://www.rossandbrandie.blogspot.com/ Brandie

Girl, you know I’m here. I’ve told you several times I miss reading about your stuff, your life. Your blog has been such a help and an inspiration to me, I have to admit, I was quite sad when you decided to stop writing. However, I know we all need breaks. And I think yours was needed. Love you, girl. Even though we don’t talk much or see each other anymore….except online. You will always be the girl whom I got to know and love on a trip around the world, literally.
Summer C.

I check here everyday to see what you have to say. Thanks for coming back.
http://recoveringfirecracker.squarespace.com Trude

I completely understand! Even for my own personal blog I don’t get too personal, because IRL I’m a pretty private person to begin with. I’m happy to share stories from the day, events, photos and personal history but not so much my daily struggles. I’m getting a bit more open now, finally, two years after starting. But once you start feeling like it’s somehow a chore or something instead of a joy, then it’s time to change up your approach! Even if it’s just for a little while. You’re under NO obligation! Whatever you decide to share here is fine by me. Anyone who demands otherwise needs to get their priorities straight.
http://www.jaimetphotography.com Jaime Tocco

I am so glad I found you! I admire you professionally, but now I admire you personally. It is so brave of you to share your life with us. I will leave your story with you, but know that many positive thoughts come your way. Thank you, Jaime
http://theophylline.livejournal.com/ Andrea

Hey teacher,
I am a secret reader, never leaving comments.
I am here for you. And for me.
Kristin

I don’t even know how I found you originally, but I remember printing off the information for your class, putting it on my sweet hubby’s desk and wrote “HINT, HINT, great Christmas present idea”. So, now I’m eagerly awaiting taking your March class.

Your thoughts & what you are going through are such a personal thing, but it is also something that so many can unfortunately relate to. So, if it helps even one person feel like they aren’t alone, it is worth it. I personally know the ache of being disappointed on a monthly basis. (I also know that God’s plans aren’t always are own which isn’t easy!) You are able to put thoughts into words. . . Your writing is beautiful.

Looking forward to your class in March. . . I’m counting down the days! In the meantime, I’ll keep you in my prayers.
Melissa

You inspire me Jessica! Your soul is so kind. I pray for you daily.
http://mielandcompany.com/journal miel

i am so moved by your honesty. my struggles are different, they’re struggles of needs and wants and never quite making enough to make ends meet. like your struggle it is mine and yours and theirs but that doesn’t make it easy to talk about. i think you’re brave and honest. i think you deserve to treat yourself kindly and with love and with patience.
valerie

i SO get it. we’ve been married for 13 years, and i STILL struggle with the whole infertility thing – even though it didn’t work for us, just reading your story makes me get all weepy. again.

it SUCKS to be in the position you’re in..and me, and all the other women who deal with this crap. i wish i could make all the pain and hurt go away because i wouldn’t wish this on anyone…

so good luck, honey – fingers crossed!!

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