I’m sitting here in my favorite little coffee shop here in Cincy. There are people perfectly sprinkled throughout. It almost looks like it’s something set-up for a movie. He’s sitting at the bar looking through Facebook. She’s dressed in high heels, checking her Blackberry while pouring over an Excel-type sheet. She’s definitely working. He looks as if he should be studying, laptop open, books piled up to the right of him, but he’s smiling which makes me think he’s reading some sort of funny email or maybe IM’ing with a friend. He’s sitting right in front of me – hair sticking straight up like he hasn’t showered today. He’s typing along just like me and just like me he pauses every once in awhile to gather his thoughts. Twice now we’ve looked up at the same time and made eye contact which is fine and normal when you’re in a public place, but for some reason it makes me embarrassed so I quickly look back down.
I’m sitting here because it’s a *gorgeous* day and sitting in my office in the basement just didn’t seem fitting. The door is opened and it’s wonderfully warm with a cool breeze every once in awhile making it’s way in and around, perfectly circulating the air before heading out again. I’ve already drank my first coffee – cafe mocha, 16 oz, only 1 shot of espresso, no whip, skim milk, please. I want another, but this time I’ll make it decaf.
This is my 200th post written on this blog. A blog I started roughly a year and half ago. It’s amazing to see just how much I’ve evolved this past year. The me that wrote at the end of 2007 is still me, but now I feel more aware of who I am. Not who I should be or even who I want to be. But, who I am. Today. It’s not always easy to be honest with who I am today. So often, I want to pretend like I’m someone else. So often, I wish I was more of this, less of that, but I am who I am. And, the best thing I can do for myself, my husband, friends, family, and business is be who I am. Then my work, my art will be at it’s most sincere. Gosh. My everything will be at it’s most sincere.
Corey and I sat at dinner Saturday night talking about 503. As I talked in circles, tears coming and going, along with laughs and even hints of frustration he stopped me to say … “Babe, sometimes when we’re talking I feel like an emotional robot. Like I can’t even keep up.” He wasn’t saying it to be discouraging. He was saying it with a smile and I knew just what he meant. We laughed at the beautiful ways of which we are so much alike and the even more beautiful ways of how we’re polar opposites. We decided over dinner that he’s like a train making his way through life and I’m the fairy dust coming off the wheels.
He just texted. “What’s up, c.b.” (c.b.=chicken butt which=he’s funny). I text back: “Nothing much. Just sprinkling my fairy dust around Awakenings.” ; )
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Last Wednesday a series of events left me sorting through the World Wide Web at dozens of other photographer’s websites. I have a handful of absolute favorites, but I actually don’t keep up with many of their daily lives (i.e. blogs). My Google Reader has about six artists whom I keep up with and all six share much more about their lives than they do their business. There was a time last year where I found myself keeping up with dozens, but I realized that my own creativity was being quite squelched. It was if I couldn’t find it through the creativity of others that was filling up my brain. And, so last fall I purged all but a few. It was honestly heartbreaking, but I knew I had to do it. Bye, dear friends. I’ll miss you. Kisses and blessings. Catch up with you later!
Yet, last Wednesday there I was. One site leading to another and then it happened. *IDENTITY CRISIS* “Babe, I think I don’t want to do this anymore.” “What are you talking about?!” “I’m just one of a million. Who am I kidding?” “I think I should do something different.” “Like what?!” “I don’t know. I just don’t think this is for me.”
I went upstairs to change clothes and we headed out to mulch our yard. Within an hour a life-changing adjustment had been made. I honestly have tried a million times to think how to put it into words, but I just can’t. All I know is that after the flurry of emotions came, settled and then cleared I felt a euphoria-like sense of clarity. I have never felt this way before. It’s as if I’ve been running as fast as my legs will carry me, crowded on the streets with a million other people and constantly feeling bumped and kicked, winded and tired. Then somewhere out of the blue I see an alley way and I am able to take a quick right and there … there … is the sunlight. Streaming in with open air and fluffy clouds. A hammock just for me.
I know, I know. Fairy dust is oozing out my ears.
But, here’s what I realized. When I entered into this industry I spent millions of hours pouring over others’ work, sites, blogs, words, insight, etc, etc, etc, etc. and I designed my business to fit right along with. Get a catchy logo. Have a catchy website. With catchy wording. Tell everyone that you’re a rockstar photographer and that they should hire you or they’re missing out on life. Get a bright-colored blog with big, fun pictures. Make sure to blog pictures often so that everyone thinks you are very successful and very busy. Get business cards and marketing material that stick out more than the rest. Send out fun, flashy newsletters. Work hard to become a household name.
And, that’s exactly what I’ve done.
I’m not trying to imply that everything I have done has been a lie – my site shows off work that is mine, my blog is where I wear my heart and I got over the whole “blog photos often to look successful” a long time ago, my emails and newsletters are always typed up with the utmost sincerity. But, still weaved throughout is a thread that’s not mine. It’s a thread that is an accumulation of others work whom I’ve studied. I have no reason to pretend like it is. I’m cheating myself and everyone else in my life by doing so.
And, this is the clarity I had. When I allowed myself to lay down in the hammock I saw myself and all the things that are me and all the things that simply aren’t. This started a 24-36 hour manic’ness which has resulted in me having a newly designed website. Yes, I totally redesigned it. I ached thinking of all the hours I poured over the original one this past winter, but I knew it was something that I had to do.
This time I actually feel good about it. It’s not flashy or fancy. It’s actually quite boring. But, it’s me. I’m not flashy, definitely not fancy and honestly, I’m pretty boring. No longer am I going to pretend that I’m not.
Last week I decided to run my business and my life more true to who I am. I know I’ll get mixed up in “who I should be”, but for now I’m feeling clear headed. The sun and the clouds and swaying hammock make perfect sense to me. I’m going to enjoy them until it’s necessary for me to move along … to another place that I will later discover is more “me”.
I hope you guys will forgive me for not being 100% honest with you. I was unaware of it until now.
xoxo,
jc
