I am my own worst enemy in this life. I can’t explain why exactly that is, but I do know that the way I decide to live each day is a choice. My choice.
And, most days.. for weeks on end.. which sometimes turn into months… and even more sadly.. sometimes years I will live day in, day out choosing to live with my empty cylinder (a bucket of sorts, but calling it a bucket seems to cliche for me). My empty cylinder cannot be removed from my life. It is there forever. It holds all of the pain and hurt, wrong choices, fears, generational sins and unhealthy patterns.
I don’t like this cylinder. It’s not pretty and it’s heavily filled with emptiness. It’s the past and it seeks to steal me from my present. I try to hide all that it is filled with by filling it with more. So, I work and I busy myself and I keep an eye on my fears (although they’re sneaky, living in my subconscious) and I tell them daily… every minute at times… that they won’t get the best of me because I won’t take my eye off of them. If they try to sneak up on me I’ll be ready and waiting to combat them with all that I have. And, I perform the best I know how (which is exhausting because it’s so unnatural) and I find little bits of scrap here and there to put in my heavy, yet empty, cylinder to hide what lives inside.
I do this until I grow tired. Really tired. And, in the tiredness I start to wonder if there’s something more. And, like a pattern I cannot keep from repeating (although one of these days I will!) I take my eyes off my fears and my empty cylinder and I stop to take in the scene. I expect the worst because I’ve trained my brain to do so. And, what I see is what gives me hope and reminds me of what a waste of time I spend trying to throw a few scraps into a bottomless, empty cylinder.
It’s beautifully filled to the brim with everything that is truth in my life. It’s the life I have that is real. And, here… right here in front of me. A marriage that’s thriving, children that call me momma (two children!!), relationships I adore and family members that love me immensely. A business I built out of love and a vision to impact our world for the better, people who have come on board that believe in it… at times more than me. Hands that create and a brain that allows me to read books to my children… and write… and type with my fingers. Legs that are taking me places and skin that feels the blanket wrapped around my cold legs at the moment. I have a home that keeps us safe and warm and furniture that makes room for us to be together and a table that holds up our plates so that we can eat and laugh together. I have a business I believe in and vision in my mind where I see it going. I have life experiences, some incredibly painful and sad, that have left me a better person… teaching me to never take anyone for granted and made me value my husband’s job more than I ever could have before. And, when I’m thirsty I drink water from one of the six sinks in our house. Fresh, clean water. And, I eat wholesome food made available to me everywhere I go. And, of course… I have a Savior that has given me a life filled with grace and truth and so many blessings it’s left me longing for heaven more than ever.
I’m wondering what life would look like if I started my every day… my every minute only giving my mental, physical and spiritual energy to my filled cylinder. What if I could start each day knowing in my heart of hearts that I have arrived. It’s all here. There’s nothing else that needs to be done. Except, of course.. to enjoy that of which is right here in front of me. Giving even a small glance to my empty cylinder seems asinine, right?
So, I will start again. Today.
Because my cylinder is full.
I have arrived.