Corey and I talked SO much on vacation. SO MUCH. I think it’s just because he works like … oh, I don’t know… ALL THE TIME. And, the babes take up EVERY OTHER MINUTE. And, the other sort-of-there minutes are spent staring off into space wondering how we got from “we’re sad and infertile” to “is that poop under my fingernail?” and “can you tell which baby is crying?”

So, on vacation we had all kinds of time to talk while in the car and during naps and in the middle of the night up feeding Lola (hello, partner!) and during our two-day escape to Asheville. It was like the best therapy ever for me. Corey is my sounding board and the most level-headed person I know. At one point I was all in a tizzy over worrying about something and feeling insecure and reading into nothing and everything and then I told him the story and he was all “that’s stupid and what you’re worried about seems sort of ridiculous” and I was all like, “O-em-g, you’re so right” and I instantly felt a release. I just needed to throw it all up and out and then suddenly I felt the freedom to see it for what it was and move forward. You know what I mean? It’s the best.

So, during one of our car trips we were talking about the crazy blog-o-sphere. He doesn’t get it. I mean, the kid doesn’t even read MY blog. He just can’t wrap his mind around why people would want to just write and other people would want to just read. And, I mean there’s a part of me that understands where he’s coming from. It is all a little weird. Some of us blog to stay in touch with friends and family who don’t live nearby and then there are those like me who write to say, “I’m like you. Let’s be friends, okay?” And, I know that’s a bit counter-productive because I feel like in my daily life I have all the friends I need and all the friends I can handle (when it comes to time), but yet there’s this part of me that loves to write online. To write about my life and share photos I’ve taken and pictures of my house and stories about my family and really all for one reason (okay, two reasons): For a bit of a time capsule (but let’s be real, I could write on a Word doc and be done with it) and to simply connect with others.

To connect with you.

So, we were talking about the few blogs I read and how much I love them (I mean, seriously, I quote at least one of them every other day) and how “peon’ish” I feel in comparison to the person writing. Like, I know we’d be the best of friends, but I’d be WAY too embarrassed to ever say hi (except I have once or twice and then nearly died of embarrassment). And, I tell myself that everyone else who reads said blog feels that way and if I wrote them they would just think to themselves, “Yea, you and everyone else. Get in line.”

So, Corey’s listening to my rambling about blogs and then he goes, “Well…

…don’t you think there are people that read your blog that just see “the photographer married to the doctor who have adopted two babies super fast and here’s their intriguing life” and feel the same way about you?”

I nearly spit my trail mix/sour worms/coffee with 2 stevia/whatever I undoubtedly had in my mouth all over the windshield.

“Well, I guess that could be true.”

And, really I know it is for some of you.

And, it makes me kind of hate the blog-o-sphere.

All the time I’ll link to a blog or I’ll be intrigued by a photography article and click along or (hello, the most obvious!) the Facebook app just pops up on my phone and I’ll see a picture or read a post or read a status update and instantly … I mean INSTANTLY .. I am the stupidest, ugliest, “I have no friends” person that ever existed ever in the world of Everdom.

WHAT THE WHAT!?

I love myself and I love my life and I KNOW that my joy and worth does not have to be proven in the pictures I post or words I write on my friends’ walls on Facebook (because HELLO! We all know Facebook has redefined who is considered a “friend” and so many “can’t you see, World Wide Web, we’re best friends” that are on Facebook are cursory and of little substance) for the world to see.

And, more importantly why would I want to work so hard to show a bunch of fluff here and on every other social networking site available that I am beautiful and healthy, with a really clean house and a cool car, a perfect family and look how flawless my photography is and you want to be just like me? C’mon, admit it! You wanna be like me, now go ahead and leave me a comment that I am beautiful and my family perfect and you wish you were me!

Errrrrrrrrrrr! (biggest scratch of the record EVER.)

The truth is, readers, I currently am a bit overweight and I have disgusting fingernails (I’m a biter and a picker), I go at least 1-2 days too long without a shower and my hair is in a pony tail 99.9% of the time (because it’s so frizzy because I’m too lazy to use conditioner) and I get really impatient with my kids and I yell at them (yes, I’ve yelled at Lola) and I am often a really bad and selfish friend and although I cannot function if my house isn’t tidy Charley’s socks are stained (like forever) brown because our hardwoods are so dirty. I am not just saying this: I am just like you (except your floors are probably never that disgusting and you shower more than twice a week). And, yes, I have a beautiful life that I love and I would be lying if I didn’t say that right now, at this point in my life, I feel OVERWHELMINGLY blessed. But, I also have really bad days and I cry and I often feel insecure and second-guess decisions I’ve made and really I just want to say this to any of you who frequent this blog regularly:

I like you and want to be friends. And, more importantly: My life is not nearly as cool as I may have fooled you to believe.

I hope you know this to be true. And, I hope you NEVER hesitate to reach out and say hi if you ever feel compelled to do so. I have NEVER not replied to an email from an individual. Truly, I see it as a cardinal sin. So, if ever you’ve written me and I haven’t replied it’s because I didn’t get it. That’s the bottom line. (Seriously, I’ve gotten emails where I haven’t been able to make out if they were spam and replied! Emails = people and people are important.).

Okay, I’m so glad to have gotten that off my chest. It’s 1 p.m. and I have GOT to brush my teeth and put a little baby powder in this greasy hair of mine. I may see the mailman later.

xo,

jc

Well, we’ve been home a full week and it’s been a beautiful chaos. I packed a suitcase on January 5th and drove to Knoxville, TN for a weekend away with 6 of my best girlfriends. I returned home almost three weeks later with a newborn.

I am still processing it all and am anticipating it taking a good month more to grasp all that happened in January of 2012.

This afternoon has been the first afternoon it’s been just me and the girls at home (my mom left this morning). I put Charley down for her nap and made Lola a palette in the bathroom so that I could enjoy a nice, warm shower. I was thinking through all the things I am most grateful for this past week …

• Although we paid more than we would have liked I am grateful Lola and I were able to fly home on a direct flight and have a very sweet reunion with Corey and Charley at the airport. I had no idea how Charley would be, having not seen me minus FaceTime for almost three weeks, but she ran to us and I cried like a baby.

• I am grateful Lola, like Charley, loves the Moby. The Moby, as many of you know, is the one baby item I could NOT live without. Literally, I would be handicapped

• OMG, Melatonin is the best vitamin ever! I did not have any jet lag because of 1, tiny little pill. Every night I’ve taken it and within 15-20 minutes I am fast asleep. And, since it’s all natural when I get woken up 2-3 hours later to feed the baby I am not the least bit groggy (at least not from the medicine).

• The weather this week has been ridiculously amazing! Like in the 50′s and 60′s everyday AND sunny. And, we live in the Midwest. Best gift Mother Nature could have given me!

• I am so very relieved and grateful that Charley adores the “baby.” She is very concerned about her, always coming to get me when she hears the slightest peep and has freely shared everything – her food, her blanket and even her lovie (which is HUGE).

• Prepared food in the freezer is the ultimate gift when you have a newborn. I cannot be any more grateful for food. It’s just not possible.

• Since we had absolutely not time to prepare for Lola our house was a total wreck upon returning home. Mom and I worked furiously (and my mother-in-law cleaned the house all day the day we flew home!!) getting everything organized and put back together. Lola is officially settled in our room and the girls’ stuff is all organized in their room. To celebrate I bought myself a $5 bouquet of flowers.

• Beautiful weather, my girls, the Moby and an afternoon at the zoo was fun and refreshing. We finished off the night at A Tavola eating delicious pizza and drinking an amazingly refreshing beer. Their seasonal butternut squash pizza was to die for.

• My mom. What else can I say? When she drove away today I had a 5-second anxiety attack. She is so intuitive and so helpful and I could NOT have made the transition home without her.

• Gifts + friends. It has been so sweet to be showered with so many thoughtful gifts and to also have friends so eager to come over and meet Lola. There is nothing as sweet as your friends thinking your baby is as amazing and beautiful and perfect as you do.

• When you are forced to get up a couple of times in the middle of the night it is so nice to have some reading materials so that you don’t fall alseep (which is not really an option when you’re bottle feeding). I have been catching up on my blog reading during those late night feedings. One night during a feeding when I was in CA I accidentally did a screen capture of my phone. I decided to keep it as a reminder of the season we find ourselves in.

• And, of course Lola. She is so beautiful and sweet and minus some bits of fussy-time she is very laid back, an excellent eater and sleeper. She has always done the “gas” smiling, but today when I was talking to her she smiled twice in a row. I am so excited for those days! They make the sleep deprivation all the more worth it.

Corey’s brother and wife and son (who is only 3-months younger than Charley) are coming to town tonight. Although Corey is working all weekend (boo) I am looking forward to this weekend together, eating at Hofbrauhaus and attending our church’s famous Superbowl weekend service (which feels like a mini-Superbowl!). On Sunday, some of our friends have offered to take Charley to the museum for the afternoon and I plan to take a nap. I hope Lola wishes to do the same. ; )

xo,

jc

{image via apartment therapy}

This time last year I shared my 2011 goals/dreams on The Creative Mama. Their website is currently being updated so I’m unable to link to my article, but I was able to find the list still living on my computer. I’ll admit, I revisited the list practically never after February, but surprisingly I kept to about 80% of it (highlighted in blue):

House stuff:

• Get new carpet.
• Turn the basement into a family room where we can all hang out, play and rest together.Turn the dressing table into a desk for Charley.
• Move the TV (somewhere, anywhere!) from the main level – create a space where family time does not have any electronic interruptions (minus music).
• Continue to create a space that is free of clutter and full of an invitation to live simply.
• Find and buy large galvanized buckets. Grow a garden. (Our spring got so busy so fast we decided to skip growing a garden this year.)
• Build drawers on casters to hold magazines, books and toys under our bed. (HGTV took care of this for us.)
• Refinish and paint the stairs. (I’ve been working on these super slowly all year, but I’m 90% of the way done. All that is left is to paint 1-2 more coats of white paint on the risers.)
• Create a unique way to display photos leading upstairs to our bedroom.

Work stuff:

• Turn my 7-10 year old photography workshop into a book that families can do together during the summer months. (In the works!)
• Brainstorm the possibility of hosting a workshop live so that I can meet some of the 300+ students I’ve had. (I definitely brainstormed, but with many things with 503 I had to scale back more than I had planned this past year.)
• Formulate a marketing plan to book more senior photo shoots.

Personal:

• Collect more recipes and be better at planning a week’s worth of dinners so that we’re not always trying to think of something last minute (I definitely took steps in the right direction, but this is something I need to continue to work on).
• Create a photo book of black and white headshots of every single person that plays a significant role in my life. (Woh. This is a HUGE one and honestly one that might not happen – or take years to do. But, it’s something I’ve dreamed of doing for so long and I’ve decided to just add it to the list.)
• Get family photos taken of us and create a 2010 book of memories.
• Return to the city where Charley was born and take pictures documenting the weekend during her birth, adoption and coming home.
• Care more for others – make unhurried visits, mail gifts, write cards, drop off food, etc, etc. (I will always be a work in progress on this.)
• Spend more intentional, unhurried time with God. (I will always be a work in progress on this as well.)

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2011 was a HUGE and, for the most part, really good year for us. We had so many milestones it seemed (with house updates, finalizing Charley’s adoption, HGTV, Charley turning one, Taking better care of my body by eating better and working out, saying goodbye to Chili, Corey finishing residency and starting his fellowship, Charley turning into a toddler, tons of traveling, deciding to adopt again, and so much more.

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As 2012 approaches I am feeling so excited and optimistic about life. I will never hesitate to exclaim when life feels this way because I surely have never hesitated to exclaim when life hasn’t felt this way. It’s just nice to feel like I am in a place in life where I really feel like I’m thriving; as a child of God, a wife, a mother and an entrepreneur. I am seeing more so now than ever before the Lord’s kindness and grace. I am a hot mess, people! So it’s freeing for me to feel confident with the strengths God has given me and humble in my weaknesses (which feel like they outweigh my strengths most days). I don’t have quite as long of a list for 2012, but I definitely have some high hopes and goals for myself and my family.

House stuff:

• Finish stairs (just do it already!)
• Paint and re-install railing
• Paint chest of drawers in babe #2′s room

Work stuff:

• Learn InDesign
• Design kid’s book
• Research finding office space outside of home
• Build and launch —— (it’s a secret ; )
• Connect in-person with more photographers (starting in just a few weeks now that I’ve talked my web-only-for-now-friend, Gail, in to coming to hang out in Cinci for the weekend! ; )

Personal:

• Organize our lives so that less “multi-tasking” takes place*
• Take an adventurous trip!
• Become a family of 4 (eeeek! sigh … hooray!)
• Remind myself more often that I am nothing without God and that I make really terrible decisions when I don’t consult Him first. These two things always fuels my fire to spend more time with Him.

*I’ve realized just recently that our daily schedules aren’t really working out for us right now. This past year from about January to September being a work-at-home mom was incredibly difficult. Now, it’s completely impossible. I can sort of make it work when Corey gets home at a decent hour (i.e. 6′ish). That way we can enjoy dinner together and spend a moment together after she goes down and then I can work until midnight or so without feeling guilty. But, these past few months – with his fellowship in full force – he hasn’t been getting home until 7:30-9:00 (9:00 for two weeks straight!) and I’m feeling more pulled and stretched then ever. So, I’ve been spending some intentional time thinking and processing and praying on how I can make some changes in our life to make life work a bit better. I don’t have it all worked out, but I’m on the road. This, right now, is my first priority for the New Year: figuring out how to do less “multi-tasking.” I loathe spending time with Charley and hopping on and off the computer. I want to work well and efficiently and then I want to mother well. Doing the two simultaneously is kind of ridiculous to even attempt.

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I started this post nearly a week ago now. Such is life in this season I’m in. I sort of snickered when I read over the part where I wrote about how excited and optimistic I am about life right now. It’s true that I am. But, still I had a quick flash to last night when I had to call our friend (who is a pediatrician, Corey was of course working) nearly in tears to come help me because Charley had a 104.2 temperature and the Tylenol wasn’t working. She came armed with Ibuprofen and reassurance that she was going to be okay.

Then, I asked Corey, as we were brushing our teeth, when this rather dreadful month (and schedule) would be over. He said – quite casually – “well, there will be a bit of repreive at the end of the month and then February is gonna suck and then March is gonna be pretty awful with two weeks of night call.” I finished getting ready for bed, walked out of the bathroom and into our bedroom, took one look at him (who was already in bed, on my side to warm it up) and burst into tears.

Sometimes life just sucks and it feels silly to feel that way because we have a roof and food and the sun shines and everyone is healthy (healthy meaning no one is terminally ill) and we have each other. But, then sometimes I dip down into my bucket and I realize it’s only got a few drops of water left and then I realize that even if nothing tragic is occurring things can still be tough. And, that’s okay. We’ll of course make it through (we’re in our 9th year of this for crying out loud!) and we will be stronger. In the meantime I’m reminded that I’m not as strong as I think I am most days. Luckily I have a God who is happy to step in and fill my bucket overflowing. I need it more than ever these days.

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This morning I read the excerpt below from here and I sighed in relief …

The funny thing about New Year’s resolutions is how they can overinflate our self-image, making us think it’s up to us to make it a better year. Maybe we pledge to lose weight, quit drinking or volunteer more. And while none of these are bad, they’re typically rooted in the false assumption that we’re strong enough to do it on our own. We figure if we can just do a little more, be a little better, than we’ll earn ourselves a happier year. Exhausting.

But there’s an alternative. We can drop the whole resolution bit and step into the flood of God’s grace. We can say that today, January 2nd, we’ll rely on God’s power, not our own brute strength or good effort. We’ll believe in His love for us and quit trying to earn merit badges. We’ll be calm and open-handed, knowing we can trust Him to work through and around us. Then, instead of egos and exhaustion, we will find his freedom.

Happy January 2nd.

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Perfectly said. Happy January 2nd, dearies,

jc