I want one of my own.
It’s odd to long for something that is unknown. There’s this huge part of me that is earning with every ounce of my being to experience pregnancy and motherhood and then there’s this other smaller, but very much real part of me that hesitates. What will that look like? I know what life looks like now … what if motherhood’s not all it’s cracked up to be?! And, so it’s kind of this internal battle. Longing, dreaming … hesitating, feeling scared.
But, now he’s been here for a good 5 days and I know that I know what I know and why my longings are there. I have felt more alive these past 5 days than I have in a very long time. And, Corey and I? We make a killer team. He is such a natural (helping raise 4 younger brothers) and although chasing after a toddler is exhausting it is also incredibly fun. Especially when we’re doing it together.
There is so much fun that exists in children. I can’t imagine spending my days with one that looks like me.
Tonight I feel like my longings have this renewed sense of being. Like I’m ready to put my “I can do this” hat back on and be okay fighting for something we know we want. Not fighting in the sense where we take God out of the picture … no, I’m done doing that. It’s more like putting on the armor and joining His team.
I also feel this renewed sense of pain. It’s different. It’s not accompanied with tears, it’s more accompanied with this super sensitive feeling of vulnerability. Longing for something you’re not 100% sure you’ll ever have can be quite painful. There’s just no way around it.
And, yet our journey continues.
And, on we march …
