I guess you could call it a mini life crisis, but I’d like to think of it more like a deep desire to clean house. My head feels like a freakin’ hoarder lives there and they’re hanging on to everything and buying even more. I literally feel like my days are so busy and I can’t think of anything I do do do (outside of the downtime I thoroughly enjoy having with my daughter, but even then my body often says one thing (because I force it to) and my mind is saying a host of other things (think circus filled with hoarders showing off their stuff as they fly around the air)).
Oh, I sure do love my business. What a blessing, right?
So, I am not wanting it to go away, I’m just needing to clean out some rooms, do a little redecorating, reorganizing, reprioritizing. You know what I mean? Even just a little? No?
Yea, me neither.
And, here is where the problem lies.
I was really (like reallyreallyreally) hoping vacation would bring this cloud of clarity and suddenly I would know exactly what it was I needed to do. That is how so many things operate in my life. I just feel it, I ask God for guidance, I talk to a few people and then I jump. I have few regrets in my life. My way of operating .. well … it just works for me.
But, now I’m a mom and a business owner and in-love with someone I want to be available to anytime he has time off. I’m a DIYer, a sewer, painter. I like to work out in the yard. I really like to start a project and see it finished (weekly (at least)). I want to have more time to cook for us, to learn something new that doesn’t involve photography, to flip mindlessly though magazines and watch movies without multi-tasking.
Can I just say that it kind of annoys me that there seems to be this trend to have all kinds of stuff and then be real unhappy and talk (write/sing/blog) about it? I mean c’mon. Quit buying, adding, doing so much stuff. Give your calendar and your to-do list a break and enjoy simplicity. Either enjoy social media or delete your accounts. Either enjoy TV or don’t watch it. Either sleep in and enjoy it or wake-up and do something. Either run with your new idea or shelf it. Don’t just complain you don’t have the time to really do what you want to do.
(I may or may not be talking to myself here.)
A dear friend whom is also a bit of a business advisor suggested I maybe take a break from doing photography sessions. She’s a total genius because she always gives me ideas I would never think of (like working through the night and sleeping the next day when my nanny is there because I work really well at night and really poorly during the day). The idea seems ludicrous since my business was started and revolves around photography. And, I get a rush out of showing up for a shoot, feeling like a total loser/fraud and then seeing the final prints on paper. Ahhh … it’s euphoria every single time.
And, you may think how much time could I possibly spend taking pictures and I’ll say close to none during the winter, but it’s warming up and already I have 4-5 shoots lined up in the next couple weeks.
And, it’s true that it’s hard to conduct sessions when I have to operate life as a single mom (due to my husband’s work schedule, not his lack of involvement in our lives). I’ve already had trouble figuring out how to line-up childcare for these afternoon sessions that will most likely run through dinner time.
So, it’s a thought, but this is, too:
And, suddenly I feel like I’m back at square one. I can’t figure out where to start, what to give away, what to keep …
And, (yes, it’s all one, big, fat and,) I stumble upon this and I know it’s true, but ….
but, but …. but … there’s value showing your kids how to work hard doing something you love so much, right?
Right.
It’s all right. It’s all good. It’s all the right decision. Truly. None of it is bad or wrong or better than the other. It’s simply finding the balance.
And, finding peace with the fact that once you become a mother and have another being you are madly and deeply in-love with you have to push all kinds of other people lower on the totem pole. And, that’s not an easy thing to do because everyone is valuable and worthy and important. But, not as important as your family .. my family. And, let’s just say it: yourself (or at least your sanity) … myself, my sanity.
So, we’re home now and vacation is wrapping up and here I am thinking of this sweet couple rooting me on.
I will not give up.
I will figure something out.
I have to.
When I turn 40 (10 years from now) what will I have done with my 30′s? Life flies (it’s really rather ridiculous/annoying). I want to set goals and not waste so much time doing stuff that is fruitless.
You know what I’m talking about, don’t you?
It’s just hard, that’s all.
xo,
jc
